Spending time in the hospital

Tweet

I am wasting my time in the hospital right now… instead of being productive. Like a prisoner from Alcatraz, I cannot escape. I am not bounded by chains and cage, yet still, I can’t go anywhere. And no, I’m not even sick… sick and tired maybe, but not sick. You know what I mean.

Valentine’s just a few days away, four days to be exact. Aside from Christmas, it is the only occasion where I could really make some money with my stuff – chocolates and personalized gifts. But instead, I whiled away my time here, idle… unproductive.

Hospital bills building up, our apartment rent being overdue. With our electricity being threatened to be cut-off on Valentine’s Day, and with only a few pesos in my pocket for a couple of day’s expenses… could it be worst? Honestly, I thought I couldn’t be anywhere lower than where we were before – but I was wrong! If there is anything lower than below sea level, that’s where we are right now… and still going down.

I tried begging… err, soliciting financial help from friends, family, and even strangers! Practically begging! As early as 3AM in the morning to the wee hours of the night. Through internet, emails, private messages, text messages, and even knocking at doors in the real world. Unfortunately, perhaps I gave the impression that I am a con man… a scammer, out to rip money from people, rather than a beggar who needs help. I do receive rejections that’s fine with me. Whatever reason is valid so long as it is communicated, because what’s worse than being rejected is being ignored. No yes or no, no ifs or buts, not even an acknowledgement of receipt of message – just playing coy, as if I don’t exist at all!

Most often I receive what you might call “strengtheners” – bible quotes, inspiring messages, prayers, keeping your faith, blah blah blah, and what have you. Don’t get me wrong, I know they all meant well, I appreciate them and all, but they don’t pay the hospital bill! To be honest, I won’t get this far without the people who helped me and I am very grateful! I really feel that they have helped me enough – yet I am still far from over! So where do I go next? Whom shall I still burden? And for how long shall I be a parasite?!

Last night I prayed, I asked God two things: “Make me understand why You’re doing this to us?” and “You took us here, will You please provide us the tools we need to get us through?”

In the meantime, I’m going to spend my time here in the hospital, idle… unproductive.

February 10, 2008
9:25 AM
Angeles City
(AUFMC Room 310)

What now?

Tweet

Just after the operation last month (December), here we are again in the hospital... because the catheter that was inserted in my wife's stomach then got some problem. It has to be fixed.

Without a money in my pocket, i took her to the hospital. with all the pains and leaking from her stomach, i just didn't think how much it would cost... i knew i have to take her to the hospital. Now, with the rent on the house again being due... so is my wife's operation. and still, i haven't got enough to see me through this.

I have practically become a beggar. PARASITE if you may. begging here and there - old friends, new friends, even total strangers. my close friends aren't as close to me anymore because perhaps i have become too much of a burden. i don't know.

and my business even suffered, because i can't do anything anymore. i can't leave my wife's side who's almost always crying in pain. and the capital that i once had were flushed down the drain.

and i've been to told to have faith?

HOW DO YOU WANT ME TO PRAY?

Tweet

How do You want me to pray?
For You to listen and to care
How do You want me to pray?
To see me through in everyday

All my life I have always served You
I have sang and even danced for You
All my works was to give You glory
Yet now I feel You have forsaken me

As I remember footprints in the sand
I’d like to think You carried me in You hand
But somehow I cannot feel the mystery
And I feel I am alone in my misery

I have knelt while I am praying
I even prayed while I was walking
Almost all the time I tried to call You
And perhaps because of the unworthy me,
I couldn’t hear You

What should I do today?
What do I need to say?
How do You want me to pray?
For You to listen and to care

Answer me please… I pray


December 27, 2007
10:30 PM
Home