He is still the same son after all

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I was really depressed, frustrated and feeling low. What happened last year was repeated – three kids getting sick one after the other.

Angel and Edgar were already well and finally went to school.

Ralph’s fever just started last Friday.

Of my three kids, Ralph, who is the eldest, is the one that I don’t want to get sick, because he is the one who has the lowest threshold on pain.

True enough, he was always whining, almost crying at the slightest hint of pain in his body.

I don’t know if it has anything to do with being a firstborn child. We were always there for him, and wouldn’t let anything harm him.

Because he was the only one then, we can look after him better. That’s why he rarely gets sick when he was still young.

But he got sick… and was always crying. I couldn’t even leave him for a while – so I stopped writing, left the computer and just sat beside him on the bed.

To entertain him and let his mind off the pain (imagined or true), he is feeling, I talked to him. I asked if he still recall what we used to do when he was still small….

We used to walk around the neighborhood without any particular direction, he was barely four or five years old then.

Every afternoon, we would go out, walk around. Sometimes, we would fly kite in the vacant lot just a block away from our house…

We used to go swimming then too, all three of us – Ralph, my wife and me. We wouldn’t even wait for any occasion to go, anytime we decide, we pack and call on the tricycle at the corner to take us to the resort…

He was smiling… he remembered…

He remembered too, as he told me, the things he did when he was small – how he got burned by the flat iron because he touched it out of curiosity, the same curiosity that pushed him to touched those grills at the back of the refrigerator, and how I found him once stuck on the freezer because he tried to lick the ice at the sides.

We were laughing… it was a very rare chit-chat that has become a luxury for us two – Ralph and I.

Lately I have been trying to push him to grow up, making him responsible… because I need him to be. He is after all the eldest of the three.

He is not really the rebellious type, but in his own little ways he does… by going home late without even texting me… and teasing Angel even though he knows it irritates me no end.

Maybe those weren’t intentional, maybe it was just me…. whatever.

The closeness that we used to have when he was still small wasn’t there anymore… as if we were alienated from each other.

But because he was sick, I had to talk to him gently… lowered my voice, so as to calm him and his pain…

And because he was sick, he too had to stay put, listened to me, and at the same time talk in a gentler voice too.

Our conversation was nice… one that didn’t happen for a long time.

And I was surprised, because he put his head on my lap – imagine a 16 year old boy, sleeping with his head on his father’s lap… and he slept good… he was calm… and I realized, it was something that I miss…

I too was able to fall asleep while seated, because I can’t move lest I’ll be waking him up. So I just stayed there and savored the moment that my son and I were close to each other once more…

That was when I realized that, he is still the same son that I used to have more than 10 years ago.

Why?

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This was supposed to be a post to say that my daughter and middle son are finally well and are already going to school... and how I was looking forward to a late Father's Day celebration this weekend.

I even thought it was perfect timing since Transformers 2 is showing.

but I have to pass one more test...

Last night, while I was drafting my original post, my eldest son came home from school. He said he wasn't feeling well, especially while he was still in school. He slept after having his dinner.

At around 1AM, I heard him calling. He asked for medicine because he has a headache, and he was feeling cold. I checked him, he has fever.

Now, he's in bed complaining of various pains in his body.

This isn't new to me. The exact thing happened last year - first it was Edgar, and then Angel, and finally Ralph.

Ralph's sickness came a little late this time, but it didn't fail.

Why?

Am I amiss in my fatherly duties? Don't I know how to take care of my kids?

Why?

You might say I'm making a big fuzz out of this. Maybe I do. But, shouldn't I? If you were in my place, wouldn't you?

I thought so. That's easy for you to say.

When you're on the outside looking in, wisdom is easy to deliver, but unless on your on someone else's shoes, and understand everything that's happening...

Some father's day!

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Yes indeed! Some father's day it turn out to be!

As if my son's swollen lips wasn't enough, my baby has to catch fever!

She was already fine last night, after giving her medicine, buying her comfort food (her favorites, especially when she's sick). She was feeling well when we slept yesterday.

But today, we woke up again with her feeling hot. Her temperature reads 40! She looks worst! She have already taken her medicine, and her last temperature reading was 39.5, and she said she feels better.

Some father I'm turning out to be!

My son's lower lips isn't getting any better either.

The disadvantage of not having a mother. Unfortunately, it has to happen to my children.

Some father's day indeed!

Sa Ugoy Ng Duyan

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Last year, I tried my hand on video-editing. I made two projects, just simple ones though - a series of photo slides, and a music background

This one, I made in memory of my wife, I hope you like it...

Sa Ugoy Ng Duyan

Thank you

She wants to be free

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Meek and frail she was, fragile as can be
Seeing her grow before my eyes… so fast
All the time I will be right beside her
A promise given, keeping it ‘til end
Forever my baby, she’ll always be

Yet one unsuspecting morning, she said
In tiny voice, yet seems thunder to me
A request to let go, from my baby
She seems to be so sure when she asked me
“Can I go to school alone? Please Daddy?”

Immeasurable anxiety felt
Has she grown faster than I thought she has?
My baby has become a young lady
She now wants out of my protective watch
Can I really let go of my baby?

------------------------------------------------
Jenanian verse
Roy
June 11, 2009
11:10 PM
Angeles City
Philippines

A father's dilemma

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This is just another one of those exaggerated anxieties.

This time, it was brought to me by my Angel... yes, my little darling caused me anxiety this morning.

No, she didn't do anything. She just asked a question... a simple, innocent question...

"Dad, when can I go to school by myself?"



I was surprised, caught off-guard so to speak. My baby wants to go to school alone. She asked this while we were on a public jeepney on the way to her school.

Everyday, I take her to school in morning and I come back in the afternoon to pick her up. This is our daily routine. I am self-employed (read: jobless), so I have all the time in the world. Quite frankly, I am enjoying it.

I thought my baby was enjoying it too.

She said she just want to experience being solo (is this her way of telling me to move back?), she asked me to allow her even for a day, just for the experience (I know how freedom feels, I know she'll want more of it).

Reminds me of the anxiety I felt when my son was going on his first field trip... unimaginable!

Now, it's Angel's turn to seek her independence.

But she's only 11 years old! So young... so small... so fragile...

Unfortunately (for me), her request was not without basis.

One - her best friend lives near our house, and they can go home together, so she won't be necessarily travelling alone.

Two - with the installation of traffic lights near her school makes crossing the street not as dangerous as it was before.

Three - on her way home, she won't even have to cross the street!

I now imagined myself going out of the house, looking at the street waiting for her to appear within my view every 4:30 in the afternoon... and not until I get a glimpse of her will I be able to feel relax.

I promised my wife I will take care of our baby. That's why I see myself looking after her as long as I can, even watching her in school 'til she reached high school (maybe even college)... she's my only baby.

Now, this early, she is telling me to "back off" in the most subtle way... is she ready to be independent?

Am I ready to let her be independent?

I know, I'm over-reacting.

Writer's block

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I thought I was good, I thought I was an average, if not a good writer. But I've been going to and fro in all my blogs this morning and I can't seem to find anything to write.

What gives?

I have to write.... at least for me to survive.

Another day will soon pass and I haven't submitted anything yet to my employer.

It seems that I have exhausted myself last month, that I can't put anything out now.

Is that even possible? Or is writer's block just a lame excuse for a writer's laziness.

How can I even consider myself as an influential blogger when I can't even push myself now to write anything. Why do these times come? I hate it when it does.

What now?