God-serving... yet God-forsaken

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i was always trying to hold on to faith... i was always trying to serve God. not because i want to receive some favors, but because it was my nature (damn nature!)... i was brought up that way (damn upbringing!)

as a child, i was an altar boy. i was even the knights commander (president) for more than a year. THAT'S HOW ACTIVE I WAS! and we were always at the church then, cleaning it before the mass - almost daily. then i learned to play the guitar, and i would always pitch in when the official church guitarist wasn't around.

as i grew older, i became a servant who helped in the distribution of holy communion in the mass (spem)... joining communities - actively! because i like doing it, i'm happy being around christian brothers.

and yet....

yes i know, God answers prayers in His own ways and in His own time... He won't give us crosses we won't be able to carry.... when He get you to it, He'll get you through it...blah, blah, blah... yadayada....

do you think i would have reached this far if i weren't holding on to those? am i complaining? YOU BET I AM! because it's not like i'm just sitting around waiting for miracles to happen in my life! i am doing something - IN FACT, I AM DOING EVERYTHING!

no! don't give me that hang-on-keep-the-faith-God-knows-what's-best and everything lecture. i know all of those!

AND THAT'S WHAT FRUSTRATES ME MOST! having too much faith so as to expect too much!

i had faith... i had hope... but i don't have time to wait anymore... patience was my virtue (damn virtue!) but i'm on the edge... how far on the edge am i? you can read 'eating shit!' in my other account  for you to have an idea of how far i am on the edge.

would i keep the faith?... i don't know

would i hold on to hope?... i don't know

DAMN!

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December 26, 2007
7:15 am
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