damned! you think you know me too well to accuse me of such! damned you! you dare talk to me like that when you don't even know me! fuck! even if i write all the unprintables here and throw them all to you, it won't ease the hurt that you caused me.
you think that i like the predicament that i am in?! you really think that i am taking this opportunities that are before me, just because i am in such a state of life? you really believe that i am capitalizing on this?! damned you! you have no idea what pain you have caused.
just when i have thought that i can take it all... just when i thought that i was strong enough to face anything... just when i believe that i can fight it all...
damned you! you've cause me much pain, more than all the pain that i have felt in my entire life. i wish i could write all here... the anguish, the torment, the sufferings that i'm feeling now...
damned you! i just hope you won't have to go through the things that i did... i just hope....
i wish i could say it all here.
nov 24, 2006
Friday, November 24, 2006
damned! you think you know me too well to accuse me of such! damned you! you dare talk to me like that when you don't even know me! fuck! even if i write all the unprintables here and throw them all to you, it won't ease the hurt that you caused me.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
To be honest, I was actually contemplating of leaving my job. I would be starting my business and I was seriously considering of attending to it full time. But letting go of the regular pay would bring a big dent to our finances, especially in our present predicament. Besides, the business wouldn’t really guarantee to bring in the lost regular income – especially during start-ups. Also, I was hesitant to ask other people or hire help to help me run my business without quitting my job, I knew to needed to be on it 24/7 if I really wanted it to fly. I was actually having a hard time deciding whether to quit my job or not. And then, they made it easy for me decide – too easy actually.
Divine intervention? I don’t know, I knew I was praying for guidance, but I didn’t expect the answer to come to me this way. I was actually earmarking my supposed to be Christmas bonus next month, and then this happened. I am not really prepared for this, not this way. Reminds me a famous cliché that I’ve been hearing – “Be careful what you ask for, you might get it.” Hahaha human nature I guess, you ask for something, and when you don’t like the response – YOU COMPLAIN!
Then, there’s another cliché – “There’s no use crying over spilled milk.” And if I may add my own line to it “Clean up the mess!” I knew I had my ego bruised, but bruises get healed. I guess it’s time for me to pick up the pieces. Being down doesn’t mean you need to stay down. One good thing about being down though is that THERE’S NO WAY TO GO BUT UP. This may really be the answer to my prayer, I may not like it, but it doesn’t mean I can’t make something out of it. As the quotation in my mug reads – “A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits.”
I may be jobless, but I am not without HOPE!
October 16, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
Of love and of life
Of joys and of sorrows,
Trapped inside a chamber
A pumping cell within my vessel
Of fears and of anxiety
Of pressures and of pains
It rotates from mind to heart
But never really find its way out
Empty space and only me
Reaching out, but none to touch
Views withheld, feelings kept
And accumulate like a file of trash
To express and to share
Yet, not a single ear bother
In a blank wall, facing
Mumbling, to soothe my feeling
Of truth or of fiction
Of myths or of facts
Ideas… feelings… all hidden
‘Cause no one really care to share
Lord, grant me a listener
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
To be honest, this is one subject that I refused to write about – for a long time now. Primarily because, I could be accused of being one-sided or worst, a narrow-minded person. Actually, my first post in my blog was something dealing with this subject. But after receiving feedbacks, which is detrimental to the person I wrote about, I decided to delete it from my blog. The post was full of angst and I definitely poured it all there. After hearing the feedbacks, I felt it was unfair to the person that was the subject of that post.
I’m talking about my in-laws, and my mother-in-law in particular. No, this is not about my relationship with her, or with them. It is about my wife, and how her condition has brought realizations that has caused her more pain than her sickness does. If you have read my previous blogs, you know what condition my wife is in. And as childish as it may seem, you definitely seek support from people you think are close to you. But read on – you might realize and appreciate how your mother really cares for you, or if you’re a mother, you might see that what you are doing may not be enough.
I am not the perfect husband. I have my flaws, my imperfections and inconsistencies. But imperfect as I am – for my wife’s condition, in every way that I can, I’ll do anything to alleviate her pain. If I, just her husband, could do sacrifices for her, what more could her kins do for her? I wish there could be an easier way of saying this. Nothing. Surprising as it may seem, we simply could not feel any support from them, nor see any initiative on their part to show some concern for her. This really breaks her heart every time she remembers it. And it isn’t helping her condition.
I’m not complaining about taking care of my wife. I admit I am really having a hard time trying make both ends meet, trying to make it through the next dialysis session, without mentioning all our daily expenses. But somehow, we’re surviving, with a lot help from other people – my mother, my brothers and sisters, her friends from school, our friends from the community we belong in, new found friends that I just met through the internet, and yes, even strangers. Noticed I didn’t mention her mother and her siblings? Because I cannot, they simply weren’t there. And it pains me so much to see my wife feel so alone in spite of all the support we’re getting from other people.
Okay, maybe it’s not really that bad. Honestly, I wish it wasn’t. So that I could tell her that, and help her ease the emotional pain she’s going through everytime she remembers it. Put yourself in the picture – if you are a mother and you have a sick daughter, although married and all, you know she still needs some help. Her husband has to go to work, and her children are still so young and all go to school at the same time. Leaving your daughter, who really can’t move that much even just around the house, all by her lonesome, won’t you run to her side to at least look after her? WELL, HER MOTHER DOESN’T! Okay, she may not like me, I may be the most stubborn person in the world, I may be the most disrespectful, good-for-nothing, son-of-a-bitch son-in-law! But would I really matter? Does a mother’s love have its limitations and conditions?
Well, I’m not really even half the man of those I mentioned and my mother is definitely not a bitch! But like I said, it’s not really about me, I have really forgotten about myself, and all that’s important to me now is my wife and her condition. Trying to make whatever is left of her life less miserable than it is. Unfortunately, I can’t do anything about that particular aspect of her life. I can’t cut the tie that binds her and her mother. I don’t intend to.
Their eldest brother is working overseas, for more than ten (10) years now. She could have supported her financially. The last we heard from him was before my wife started having her dialysis, and it was almost two years since. Suddenly, he called. He was asking my wife as to why he wasn’t informed of her predicament! He even got the courage to say “WHAT ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND? WHAT IS HE DOING?!” I swear, if he were in front of me then, I could have buried a knuckle on his face! After that, we didn’t hear from him again.
One afternoon, while I was at work and the children are in school, her sister and sister-in-law came. And when they saw her all alone in the house they said – “WHERE’S YOUR HUSBAND? WHY IS HE LEAVING YOU HERE ALL ALONE?!” and while they were talking they were crying, as if taking pity on their sister. Saying, they could have visited her more often and cook for her and take care of her, IF ONLY WE DON’T LEAVE SO FAR FROM THEM. And that far distance was nothing more than a five (5) minute tricycle ride.
I could go on… but it doesn’t really matter. Yes, I’d like to believe that they are praying for her, I’m still giving them the benefit of the doubt. I am refraining myself from judging, that is not for me to do and it won’t help our cause in any way. But everytime I see my wife, even without saying a word, I would know what she is thinking – and what she feels. Can you blame me then for feeling like this?
But to be fair, my mother-in-law did stay in our house for a while and took care of her, but that is everytime we send our son to call her. Yes, she needs to be called before she would come. Only to go again, without even saying anything as to when she’ll come back or if she’ll come back again. If you’re a mother, would you leave your sick daughter? Oh, she does have some reason. You see my mother-in-law is one of those called as R.O.T.C. or Rat Of The Church; she is a member of a church organization. We all used to be one, that’s where I met my wife.
She would have to go to attend this meeting, to visit this sick person, to pray for the soul of someone who died one year ago, to visit and attend the wake of a dead person – most of whom are not even relatives! Ironies? I don’t know, I just do not understand it.
I do know and acknowledge social obligations, but do they have to stand over your own family? Is it justifiable to forsake your own blood, just so to fulfill your obligation and look good at the eyes of others? Honestly, I believe that charity SHOULD always begin at home.
Back in 2003, I accompanied my wife to a nephrologist in Makati Medical Center. The doctor upon looking at her and her medical records immediately said that she needs a kidney transplant. He wants my wife’s siblings to be tested for compatibility, I was volunteering, but the doctor said it has to be a blood relative. Somehow, this news leaked out, before we were able to tell her brothers and sisters. They were saying words such as ‘she shouldn’t take my husband’s kidney, we have children too’ this was her sister in-law talking. They were pointing fingers at each other as to who should donate a kidney to my wife – their sister! Since then, we noticed them alienating themselves from her; they started avoiding my wife like the plague!
When she started with the inevitable dialysis, they were saying words like ‘why did we let it reach this far?’, ‘why didn’t we do anything?’ I can’t actually see it, but I can feel blaming fingers pointed at me. Still, that was all there is to it. All talks and pointing fingers! Lame excuses and what have you. The kind you hear from hypocrites and self-righteous people! People who do not know any better! I really wish I wasn’t writing this!
I don’t want to judge them nor hate them; it’s not going to help any of us. But I can’t help but feel my wife’s pain. Save for all the people who’s helping us, and our little daughter, Angel, who never fails to cheer her up – I knew at the back of her mind, she still wish that things are not how they are now. At times, I let her spill it out, pour it all on me, let her cry her pains out, lest they accumulate inside her and make her condition worse. It’s the only means I know of easing up her pain.
I write this, not to gain sympathy or to put my in-laws in a bad light. Like I said, I really don’t want to write about this subject, but having really no one beside me to pour it all out, ‘tis the only means I know of unloading myself. I can’t tell this to my wife – I can’t show signs of weakness in front of her. I have to be always tough for her lean on... while I keep it all inside of me.
Believe me, I really wish I didn’t write this.
August 15, 2006
Thursday, August 10, 2006
So, after hanging all the washed clothes outside… you guessed it, I felt trickles of water on my skin. I tried to ignore it as I could still see the sun… I thought, it would prevail. Lo and behold, before I could recover, the trickles started getting bigger, and what was just a drizzle became a shower – and then into a heavy downpour of rain! My initial reaction of course was the unprintables – why does it have to rain on weekend? Why can’t the sun do its job? I was very much disgusted and frustrated!
I called my 11 year old son, Edgar Allan, to help me get all the still wet clothes inside. As we were doing it, I noticed him being happy with what were doing. I was puzzled. Here we are, frantically doing everything to get all the clothes inside under heavy rain, and yet he is enjoying it. It’s the kind of face that I see in him when he is enjoying what he is doing.
After all the clothes were taken inside, we were dripping wet and the rain continues to fall heavily. I said to myself, ‘what the heck!’ so I told E.A. to get his bike. And as I tried to ride it, he got on my back and we rode the bike, under the heavy rain. At times, I would get off and let him ride it himself as I walk beside him and talk to him about practically anything. Then he would ride fast leaving me behind, only to come back as fast as he drove away, wearing very wide grins. We walked and rode the bike around the neighborhood and played under the rain for almost an hour. Only to go home when the rain finally stopped.
The rain that I was just cursing a while ago… the rain that has caused me frustrations and disgusts, was also the same rain that brought happiness and joy to me and my son. A very rare opportunity that I get to share with my kids. I’m actually looking forward to another weekend rain.
Yes, maybe it’s true… it’s always rain on weekends… you can either frown on it, or you can clown on it. Frowning won’t stop the rain, neither would clowning, but at least you could be happy – even under a heavy rain.
August 9, 2006
Thursday, August 03, 2006
“How’s your wife?” A question that I always dread to hear and be asked with. Why? You would definitely ask. Why would I shy away from answering such question? Is it that difficult to answer? Do I have a problem in my married life? How can such an innocent and well-meaning inquiry cause me lots of fear and unspoken anxiety? But there’s really more to it than just that simple question. I cannot answer that question without lying or being sarcastic… or worst – I’ll just breakdown.
When asked such question, whether it’ll be about a wife, husband, brother, sister or parents – one would simply answer “They’re doing great!” “He’s got thinner/bigger now than before.” Or just simply “she’s fine.” I can’t answer as simple as that! I cannot say she’s fine, just for the sake of answering the question, when in fact she’s not! And more often than not, the person who asked that question knows it! Are you getting me? Am I even making sense to you? Why should you ask someone how they are doing? When you know for a fact how they are doing! Yes, I know they meant well, they meant no harm. Maybe it’s just me. But that’s it! It’s me they’re asking!
I could say, “Oh, she’s still breathing, thank heavens!” or “What a stupid question! You know how she is!” or “I really can’t tell, but when I left her today she’s still alive” or maybe “Well let’s see…, she’s been having dialysis for more than two years now due to her stubborn kidney, missing some sessions sometimes. She’s got ascites, her tummy is bulging due to excess fluid in her body that keeps on accumulating. She can’t eat too much, nay – she can’t even drink too much lest her tummy will become bigger. She feels pain all over her body every now and then, sometimes she can’t move. Her blood pressure is 160/90, or 170/90, one time it even reached 200/100! She really can’t move around that much because of the heavy luggage she carries in her stomach, and other things that comes along with her kidney problem. Sometimes she has trouble breathing. Other than those, she’s perfectly fine!”
Do you see what I mean? Does it make sense to you now? How such a simple, innocent question could bring me so much anxiety, just because I wouldn’t know how to answer it. Do I take it against the person who asked the question? Certainly not! Why should I? Like I said, I know they meant well. I just wish I wouldn’t be asked that question. What should they say instead? I don’t know! I really can’t tell them what to say, could I? Would I rather that they wouldn’t talk to me? Sometimes I feel that way, but then again it’s not really about me. They are just concern about my wife’s condition, and of course, the icebreaker sentence would always be “How’s your wife?”
No matter how hard I really try to be polite or restrain myself from reacting, sometimes I feel it still shows on my face. Can’t blame me, I am entitled to my own feelings in as much as they are entitled to say or ask anything they want. So, is there really a problem then? Most definitely! I think the question really is, “Do you really want to know how she is doing?”
So the next time I am asked, “How’s your wife?” and I did not respond, please – don’t repeat the question.
August 2, 2006
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Last night, the 13th of July, 2006, we were watching Majika… not really by choice, mind you. My wife and kids are watching it, and since there was neither CSI not wrestling on free-tv yesterday, I allowed them. And while I was busy doing something, I can’t help but hear the television and from time to time glance at it.
The scene that is the subject of this essay was the one wherein Argo, the character played by Dennis Trillo, was being asked by the Pater (not sure about the spelling) as to why he backed out on his wedding with Juno, played by Kristina Halili. I am not really sure whether they, appearing to be a council of high priests or elders in the series, would have the right to ask Argo on who he would marry or not. Or why are they so intent on pushing Argo to marry Juno, when she has nothing to do them nor their characters, which by the way appears to be questionable as of this writing.
What caught my attention, and I can’t help but react, was when the character played by Eddie Guiterrez (I don’t know his name in the series) said to Argo – “Dapat na magsama ang dalawang magaling na Salamangka!” (Two good Salamangka-or magicians, should be together!) Apparently convincing Argo to still marry Juno despite his words that it’s Sabina (Angel Locsin) whom he really loves. That dialogue seems to state for a fact that it is a must, if not a tradition, that two good Salamangkas should get married. It’s like they belong to a higher breed of individuals and that they would produce much greater Salamangka, as their children would definitely inherit their combined genes.
I reacted on that because, the statement acknowledges Juno, a woman, as a great Salamangka, but in their culture in the series – woman are not even allowed to learn or practice magic as their duties is to serve their husband and raise their children. And Juno’s character was also despised by the Paters because she was able to fool them for a long time by disguising as a man so she could practice magic and become a Pati (junior high priest?) herself. The only reason why she was able to escape the Pater’s punishment was because she was able to save Eddie Guitierrez and he promised her to give anything that she asked – this was when Juno was not yet discovered as a disguised man. And on the day of her conviction, she asked that she will be forgiven of her sin and still be allowed to be Pati, despite her being a woman.
Despite her being admitted as a Pati, the Pater are still bent on keeping the tradition that only males should be allowed to be a Pati and woman are still not allowed to practice magic or salamangka. This was evident when it was Sabina’s turn to become a Pati too. Yet, here is a Pater – the leader of the Paters at that, acknowledging Juno’s supremacy over other Pati, even the male Patis, just to convince Argo to marry her. Throwing away tradition, consistencies, and definitely logic.
I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. This isn’t really the first time that I have seen inconsistencies and illogical twists on local telenovelas scripts. And even if how vent are they on claiming that their stories are one hundred percent original, you can definitely see patterns that were copied from foreign films. I guess you’ll definitely agree that Majika has traces of Harry Potter in it. And what about Mulawin? Would you believe it reminded me Star Wars?! Remember Darth Vader’s line? “Luke, I am you father!” Hahaha, I thought only Toy Story can pull that stunt.
And I’m sure we’ll see more inconsistencies, as well as replicas of foreign films on coming telenovelas, as well as movies. In the meantime, continue watching what you love to watch and just forget what I wrote here. I’m sure, just like my wife, you haven’t really noticed the inconsistency that I mentioned here, and even if you did, it may not really matter you.
But as for me, it does!
July 14, 2006
Thursday, July 06, 2006
When all is lost and your back is against the wall
And all you have is just a thread of hope
Hold on to it… hang on to it…
Because it’s the best that you have.
No matter how low you feel
No matter how hard you’ve been hit
So long as you hold to that thread of hope
All is not really lost
A thread of hope, a tiny thread
Will carry you through the tide
Just hang on and don’t let go
Even it’s just a thread of hope
You will not win if let yourself lose
You will not make it if you lost faith
So even through the greatest of odds
Hang on to that thread of hope.
January 4, 2000
Yes it is! And it’s never too early to plan for it!
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Monday, June 26, 2006
This morning before going to work, I passed by her house. My son needs his parents in school, but I could not go because I need to work and neither can his sick mother. As always, I would rely on own mother, who I know, would not let me down. I would ask her to go to my son’s school in our behalf. I was not prepared for the news that she broke to me though – “Roy, my Visa has already arrived. I would be leaving on July 6.” I wasn’t able to respond… and as if not hearing anything, I asked her if she could attend to our son’s problem in school. Afterwards, I stood up and proceeded on my way to work.
I knew she is to leave soon, I knew she is taking care of her papers – passport, ID’s, medical exam, visa and all. My sister in Canada is asking her to go there so that she could take a much needed vacation. After siring nine children and taking care of them, and still taking care of her children’s children – I am in agreement that she deserved it. But, why are tears almost falling from my eyes while on the way to work? I tried so hard to hold them because I was riding in a public utility vehicle. But I knew, I feel, they’re there. Then, I started asking – Why?! Why would she want to leave me at the predicament that I am in now? And, why am I acting so selfish now?
You see, in my more than ten (10) years of married life, I have never been as often in our old house as these last two years. I would often go there, look for her, just to say my wife’s dialysis session would be due again and I haven’t raised enough funds for it. And as sure as the sun rises in the east, she would do something, take care of the problem, and she’ll give to us the much needed money for my wife’s dialysis. And that is an understatement! To mention in details, everything that she has done to us, especially to me lately, would probably take more than ten (10) pages of single spaced, size 12 font of writings.
In two weeks time, she’ll be leaving. Yes, she would be back soon after six (6) months. It’s just temporary. She will not totally abandon me. I still believe she deserved the much needed vacation. In the meantime, where would I run for strength? Where would I go for comfort? Selfish? Yes, it is. Because I am. But most all, because I do need her… NOW! More than ever.
Yes, I was a Mama’s Boy! In fact! I think I still am!
June 26, 2006
Sunday, June 04, 2006
I am now at the office, as early as 6:30AM. What am I doing here early? Well, our work starts at 7:00AM, we have a compressed week schedule so we won’t have to work on Saturdays. But I really don’t have a problem with that, I have been going to work this early for about a month now, that’s not really my concern right now.
You see, today is the first day of school. My two sons and daughter will all go to school today. Do I have anxieties about their going to school? Of course I do! After all, my baby is just eight years old. But what really fills me with anxiety right now is the fact that my wife will be left all alone in our house.
Yes, I know. My wife, an adult, should be able to take care of herself. Of course she can, that is if she is perfectly healthy. Problem is, she is not. My wife has kidney problems and has been undergoing dialysis for almost two years now. If she could have her sessions regularly, there really won’t be any problem. My wife, strong-spirited as she is, would move and act as if she’s a healthy person.
As of late, her dialysis sessions were delayed due our very depleted financial situation. And because of that, she hasn’t taken her Recormon shot for more than a month! It’s a shot that she is required to take every week! This is so she can maintain her hemoglobin and help her move around without getting tired. Without these, and other medications, she is really as helpless as little child, not mentioning the pain that she has to endure. These, she all hide from us to save us the trouble of worrying.
Now that my kids would all go to school and I have to go work, she would be by her lonesome. When my kids are still at home, at least she could ask them to get her a glass of water, get this, or can you hand me that. And they used to cook their food for the day. Yes, as young as my children, they have adapted to our situation and have taken the toll of taking care of my wife when I have to go away.
Don’t try to ask me if I can’t get anybody to accompany her at home, especially her mother or relatives, because that would open old wounds. Not mine really, but hers. On my side, my parents are already pre-occupied taking care of their grandchildren.
Before I went to work today, I asked her one more time if she would be okay. She said “Yes, don’t worry about me”. While it was meant to assure me and erase all my apprehensions, I know better.
She is a fighter, she tolerates pain. But it doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel them.
Inevitable as it is, she has to be alone. And all I can do is pray.
June 5, 2006
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Look at the children, they have no worries about life. They have no cares about the world. Life to them is sunshine, rain, candies, cookies, plays and games. Children are usually carefree, they don’t care what will happen tomorrow, for they know they have someone who will look after them.
They don’t have any problem. They have the excuse of being too young to understand life, problems, pains and pressures. Ahh, I still remember when I was still a small child. I was like these little kids, free, happy and full of life. Never was there a dull moment in childhood.
A child can easily make friend with another child. They can easily communicate with other children, unlike adults, who don’t understand others. They are often full of pride. A child’s life is simple – eat, sleep, pray and play.
When you grow up, life becomes complex and hard to understand. You begin to face problems, you feel pressured, you often meet people who always wear their mask. Friendship is a senseless word in adulthood.
These complex world of adults make me envious of the children. Ahh…, I still remember when I was just a child….
…..life was simple then.
Written on March 22, 1987
At 3:12 PM
When I was still 19 years old
One of my early essays.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Walk on water, as if on land
You will not sink, you will be fine
E'en the storm may blow a wind so strong,
And the sea may raise a tide so high
So long as your heart is calm.
Walk on water, and you will see
How great a person you can be
Through the tides of trials that blocked your path
And the winds of troubles that push you back
A great hero from you will shine
If clouds of uncertaintees darkenned your path
And rains of frustrations fall on your heart
Hold on for a while, but never give up
Then keep on going, never look back
Just keep that faith in your heart.
Walk on water, despite the storm,
Keep your heart pure, your will be strong.
Be great the threat that faces you,
Your great faith will help you come through,
'til you reach the glorious shore.
August 10, 1989
written while i was attending my review
class for the CPA board exam
Friday, May 19, 2006
heto na, heto na, di mo pa nakikita
teka, ito ba’y tula? tila bugtong yata
haw haw de carabao batuten
pag di makatulog, solusyon ay count to ten
heto na si kaka, bubuka-bukaka
dumaan si tarzan , nabiyak ang daan
pagdating sa dulo ay i-inda-indayog
kaya pala ay nakainom ng lambanog
may payneta pa siya at mananalamin
sa may bahay kubo, duon po sa amin.
kung gusto mong lumigaya ang iyong buhay
magbayad ng maaga ng di maabala
weytaminit, kapeng maiinit,
konting ipit at baka masilip
basta sexy libre, kapag buntis doble
dahil matayog ang lipad ng sarangola ni pepe
mula aparri hanggang jolo
bawal ang nakasimangot dito
at kung hindi ka pa nangingiti man lang,
hindi ka namin tatantanan!
dahil ganito si puroy nung di pa nagseseryoso
at hindi pa nakakausap ng matino
lahat ng usapan ay talagang hinahaluan
di lamang may sayad, below sea level pa ang tama
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Sa aking pag-iisa, ako'y nag-iisip
Aking naalala, mapait na sinapit.
Sa kadahilanang hindi ko malaman
Luha sa mata'y biglang nagdaluyan.
Tunay na mahirap ang ika'w mawalay
Sa iyong irog at mahal sa buhay
Sa aking pag-iisa, aking naa-alala,
Pati ang mga mumunting inakay.
Patuloy sa pagdaloy luha sa pisngi
'di mapigilan, mahabag sa sarili
Sa kalagayan na aking sinapit,
Kahit pusong bato, ay lalambot din.
Diyata't ako'y sadyang sinusubok,
Sa aking tibay at tatag ng loob,
Kung gustong ang kinabukasa'y gumanda,
Kailangan lampasan ang bawat problema.
'di mapigilan, buntunghininga'y lumalalim,
Sa sama ng loob at bigat ng dibdib
At parang naghahabulan pa sa aking pisngi,
Ang mga luhang 'di ko na pinunasan.
Patuloy sa pagdaloy, pagtuloy sa pagluha,
Hindi mapigilan, kaya't hinayaan.
'di ko namalayan na nang kalaunan,
Ang luha ko pala, ay naging mga... muta.
written on dec 11, 1998 on board a bus
going to my work away from home.
Hold not my tears, let them fall,
Refrain me not from my own feelings,
Do not be deceived by my physique,
For I am still vulnerable.
I'm not made of rock and steel
I am of flesh with heart that beats.
True blood runs in my veins
So I can love, so I can feel.
I can be tough, I can be soft,
As I am not afraid to die,
I'm not also ashamed to cry,
For I am man.... mortal.
written on december 11, 1989