Monday, June 26, 2006

His Mother's Son

Being the youngest in the family, it is really not hard to be labeled as Mama’s Boy, and I believe I am. In fact, I was even proud of it at a time. Children usually go to their father for strength and security, to mothers for comfort and assurance. I found them both on my mother. Even now that I already have a family of my own, I still go back to our old house, just to feel the security that I used to feel when I was still a child. I’m not the type of son who kisses and embraces his mother, I wasn’t really demonstrative… though I wish I were. Neither does my mother. But we both know, words need not be spoken, actions need not be done, just to show and prove the bond that ties us. There is the unspoken feeling, between a mother and son that only they could know and feel. When I feel low, and my back is against the wall, with nowhere to run to – I would go to my mother’s house. I would not talk to her, I wouldn’t say anything – I would just stay there, sit in the sofa.... silently, as if just waiting for the time to pass by. After a few minutes, I would get up, and go to my own house and somehow I feel much better.

This morning before going to work, I passed by her house. My son needs his parents in school, but I could not go because I need to work and neither can his sick mother. As always, I would rely on own mother, who I know, would not let me down. I would ask her to go to my son’s school in our behalf. I was not prepared for the news that she broke to me though – “Roy, my Visa has already arrived. I would be leaving on July 6.” I wasn’t able to respond… and as if not hearing anything, I asked her if she could attend to our son’s problem in school. Afterwards, I stood up and proceeded on my way to work.

I knew she is to leave soon, I knew she is taking care of her papers – passport, ID’s, medical exam, visa and all. My sister in Canada is asking her to go there so that she could take a much needed vacation. After siring nine children and taking care of them, and still taking care of her children’s children – I am in agreement that she deserved it. But, why are tears almost falling from my eyes while on the way to work? I tried so hard to hold them because I was riding in a public utility vehicle. But I knew, I feel, they’re there. Then, I started asking – Why?! Why would she want to leave me at the predicament that I am in now? And, why am I acting so selfish now?

You see, in my more than ten (10) years of married life, I have never been as often in our old house as these last two years. I would often go there, look for her, just to say my wife’s dialysis session would be due again and I haven’t raised enough funds for it. And as sure as the sun rises in the east, she would do something, take care of the problem, and she’ll give to us the much needed money for my wife’s dialysis. And that is an understatement! To mention in details, everything that she has done to us, especially to me lately, would probably take more than ten (10) pages of single spaced, size 12 font of writings.

In two weeks time, she’ll be leaving. Yes, she would be back soon after six (6) months. It’s just temporary. She will not totally abandon me. I still believe she deserved the much needed vacation. In the meantime, where would I run for strength? Where would I go for comfort? Selfish? Yes, it is. Because I am. But most all, because I do need her… NOW! More than ever.

Yes, I was a Mama’s Boy! In fact! I think I still am!

June 26, 2006
7:25 AM

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Her First Day Alone

I am now at the office, as early as 6:30AM. What am I doing here early? Well, our work starts at 7:00AM, we have a compressed week schedule so we won’t have to work on Saturdays. But I really don’t have a problem with that, I have been going to work this early for about a month now, that’s not really my concern right now.

You see, today is the first day of school. My two sons and daughter will all go to school today. Do I have anxieties about their going to school? Of course I do! After all, my baby is just eight years old. But what really fills me with anxiety right now is the fact that my wife will be left all alone in our house.

Yes, I know. My wife, an adult, should be able to take care of herself. Of course she can, that is if she is perfectly healthy. Problem is, she is not. My wife has kidney problems and has been undergoing dialysis for almost two years now. If she could have her sessions regularly, there really won’t be any problem. My wife, strong-spirited as she is, would move and act as if she’s a healthy person.

As of late, her dialysis sessions were delayed due our very depleted financial situation. And because of that, she hasn’t taken her Recormon shot for more than a month! It’s a shot that she is required to take every week! This is so she can maintain her hemoglobin and help her move around without getting tired. Without these, and other medications, she is really as helpless as little child, not mentioning the pain that she has to endure. These, she all hide from us to save us the trouble of worrying.

Now that my kids would all go to school and I have to go work, she would be by her lonesome. When my kids are still at home, at least she could ask them to get her a glass of water, get this, or can you hand me that. And they used to cook their food for the day. Yes, as young as my children, they have adapted to our situation and have taken the toll of taking care of my wife when I have to go away.

Don’t try to ask me if I can’t get anybody to accompany her at home, especially her mother or relatives, because that would open old wounds. Not mine really, but hers. On my side, my parents are already pre-occupied taking care of their grandchildren.

Before I went to work today, I asked her one more time if she would be okay. She said “Yes, don’t worry about me”. While it was meant to assure me and erase all my apprehensions, I know better.

She is a fighter, she tolerates pain. But it doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel them.

Inevitable as it is, she has to be alone. And all I can do is pray.

June 5, 2006
7:06 AM

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