Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Spending time in the hospital

I am wasting my time in the hospital right now… instead of being productive. Like a prisoner from Alcatraz, I cannot escape. I am not bounded by chains and cage, yet still, I can’t go anywhere. And no, I’m not even sick… sick and tired maybe, but not sick. You know what I mean.

Valentine’s just a few days away, four days to be exact. Aside from Christmas, it is the only occasion where I could really make some money with my stuff – chocolates and personalized gifts. But instead, I whiled away my time here, idle… unproductive.

Hospital bills building up, our apartment rent being overdue. With our electricity being threatened to be cut-off on Valentine’s Day, and with only a few pesos in my pocket for a couple of day’s expenses… could it be worst? Honestly, I thought I couldn’t be anywhere lower than where we were before – but I was wrong! If there is anything lower than below sea level, that’s where we are right now… and still going down.

I tried begging… err, soliciting financial help from friends, family, and even strangers! Practically begging! As early as 3AM in the morning to the wee hours of the night. Through internet, emails, private messages, text messages, and even knocking at doors in the real world. Unfortunately, perhaps I gave the impression that I am a con man… a scammer, out to rip money from people, rather than a beggar who needs help. I do receive rejections that’s fine with me. Whatever reason is valid so long as it is communicated, because what’s worse than being rejected is being ignored. No yes or no, no ifs or buts, not even an acknowledgement of receipt of message – just playing coy, as if I don’t exist at all!

Most often I receive what you might call “strengtheners” – bible quotes, inspiring messages, prayers, keeping your faith, blah blah blah, and what have you. Don’t get me wrong, I know they all meant well, I appreciate them and all, but they don’t pay the hospital bill! To be honest, I won’t get this far without the people who helped me and I am very grateful! I really feel that they have helped me enough – yet I am still far from over! So where do I go next? Whom shall I still burden? And for how long shall I be a parasite?!

Last night I prayed, I asked God two things: “Make me understand why You’re doing this to us?” and “You took us here, will You please provide us the tools we need to get us through?”

In the meantime, I’m going to spend my time here in the hospital, idle… unproductive.

February 10, 2008
9:25 AM

(AUFMC Room 310)

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