Sunday, January 25, 2009

A different Valentine's Day for us....

Valentine's day is almost here, unfortunately this time it really won't have any romantic significance to me.

Since last year, Valentine's day has a new meaning for me.

While everybody then was busy thinking and looking for cards that would best express their feelings for their love ones, we were at the hospital where we have stayed for more than a week.

Previous Valentine's day would see me and my wife very busy in making heart-shaped chocolate lollipops, 3D chocolate roses and other valentine goodies that we can sell to earn some money for her dialysis.

But last year, instead of doing the things we usually do in preparation for valentine's day, I was at her bedside in the hospital, where I try my best to comfort her as she cried in pain every 10 minutes or so. Pain relievers administered to her then would only ease her pain for a few minutes.

Evening of February 13, she was fine. She was not feeling any pain. In fact she was very much happy... too happy, she was talking in a little girl's joyful voice.

She asked for balloons and I went out to look for them.

She happily played with them as I made some basic dog-shaped balloons. A little trick I learned from the internet.

Some friends came to visit her then and saw her happy and fine.

But dawn of February 14 was different.

We woke up hearing her crying in pain again. The pain reliever doesn't seem to work, they were even forced to give her tranquilizers which seemed not to help too.

She was shouting and asking us to take her out of the hospital. We were like that for almost an hour. Until finally, either she was tired or the medicine doing their job, she calmed down... and in a few moment she was able to sleep again.

Since her mother and sister were already there, I went out. I was posting notices on street posts and walls that I am selling the computers from my internet cafe.

I needed to raise funds to pay for the hospital bill.

After posting some signs, I went back to the hospital. I swear, I was out for less than 10 minutes only.

As I was approaching our room, I saw my mother-in-law seated outside crying, the room door was open. I think half of the hospital's doctors and nurses were inside our room trying their best to revive my wife.

I didn't know what to say... I was standing at the door, looking at all the commotions happening inside the room - oxygen, two flat-iron like mechanism, and a little screen that shows only a flat line.

Things that I only see in movies, were happening in front of me.

I was in that position when two of the doctors approached me and asked for my consent.

"We can try our best to revive her, but if ever we do, it will not really be good for her because she will still be unconscious and might only stay in the ICU because she would need life support"

In other words, they were asking me permission to let them stop what they were doing and let my wife die.

I didn't know what to say. I knew my wife was strong, she was very strong and I'm sure she was very much willing to fight

But I also knew that she was already tired.

I didn't know what to say. I love her.

I started blaming myself... maybe if I didn't go out, this would not have happened.

It was unfair! Why didn't she wait for me? Why did she have to go while I was out?

Maybe she did that on purpose... she knew I won't let her go... she knew I will not allow her to leave.

I was not answering the doctors. I was looking at my wife, looking for signs of the strong woman that I used to know... but I can't see it. I can't see signs of struggles from her...

but I knew she was strong! I knew she was!

Suddenly, I noticed the doctors stopped at what they were doing.

Wait! I did not give any answer!

The doctor said, they no longer need my answer. After some efforts and they see no signs of life, they would stop... with or without my consent.

And just like that, one by one, the doctors and nurses left the room except for a few who were left to clean up.

It's all over... after more than 4 years of struggle, finally, she rests.

It was Valentine's day.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

The only woman in my life...

Now, I can say it. There's is only one woman in my life right now, with whom I would like to dedicate all my efforts, my life and my future... who makes me want to dream again and work to achieve that dream.

No, it doesn't mean that I have already found a replacement for wife, I will never replace her. In fact, I can even say that this woman was her gift to me.

If you're guessing I'm talking about my Angel, you are right.

There's no other woman in my life right now.

She is my only source of inspiration... my joy... my strength... my everything.

With my Angel by my side, I have someone who sincerely believes in me and love me.

Today, January 9, 2009, is her 11th birthday, and a fine young lady she's turning out to be.

Yes, there were times she seems to be naughty and mischievous, but her sweetness and thoughtfulness more than make up for it.

Her sweet smile, a tight embrace, and a sincere kiss - all worries seem to fly away.

I know someday soon, she may choose to go her way. But until that day come, she will always be my Angel... the only woman in my life.

I'll do everything to give her the best that a father can give his baby....

And as I have been telling her... she may grow up too soon, but she will be my baby forever...

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Our new year celebration

Unlike Christmas eve, we didn't have any party or games last new year's eve. Although we used to have them too before, but I asked the kids to excuse me this time. Although we didn't have a party, it doesn't mean the kids didn't have fun, they did... I guess.

As early as 3PM, I prepared the Crema de tsokolate. Yes, not fruta, because I used chocolates, choco wafer sticks and coffee instead of fruit cocktail. We had that already Christmas so I thought we should have a different flavor for New Year.

After which I prepared the food for hotdog-and-marshmallow-on-cabbage (whatever you may call that). And while Angel was helping me with that, I was cooking the Pancit Canton - the first ever pancit canton I cooked in my entire life.

Although I panicked because I thought the canton would turn into mami, the excess soup banished when I added the noodles. At 9:30PM I was already finished and set everything on the table (except the graham chocolate cake). I went outside where I watched some fireworks occasionally popping in the sky.

The kids were inside playing on the computer, and I had time to spend for myself and think. Sometimes they would go out and see me. Nobody slept, we all waited for the clock to hit 12 o'clock midnight.

At 11:30PM, they were all outside with me, playing with the 'luses' (or luces) that I bought. We never used firecrackers or 'paputok.' Of course, I took their pictures too, as well as videoed some fireworks I can catch on sky.

When all the sparklers where consumed (past 12midnight), we all went inside to eat. As humble as our medya noche maybe, the kids seems to like what I have prepared for them. They ate the pancit canton up to the last noodle and vegetable bit. We also had a box of brownies which my mother gave to us.

We didn't have games, but we had fun. We were all together as we waited for the new year to come. And together, we will always be for the years to come.

Happy New Year to everyone.

More pictures will uploaded in my multiply account.

Additional income opportunity

Almost everyone knows that I don't have a regular job. You know, those types wherein you report for work everyday and watching the wall clock the whole day waiting for it to hit 5PM. Seriously, I am without work now although it was more of my own choosing.

But of course, that choice has to be justified as I have kids I need to feed. That's why I'm always searching the net for income opportunities. Almost clicking on every link that promises additional income. Of course I know better. While I may click every link, I do not exactly 'follow through' every time. We have to careful as there are many scams on the net.

Although one site, which is the Plug-In Profit Site appears to be a different one. It is an affiliate marketing that offers not just one, but six different programs from top affiliate marketing companies. Some of which are ClickBank, Traffic Swarm and Host4Profit.

Looks like a good Home Based Business opportunity. A passive income that can give me additional money for daily expenses. From the looks of it, the site have lots of Home Business Ideas too.

I am inclined to check it out. Well, if you are interested too, you can visit their site at

Maybe, you can find additional source of income too.

Thursday, January 01, 2009


So what's next? 2008 has just ended and 2009 has just started, what is in store for me and my kids this year? If I say that it will be a better year for us isn't exactly realistic for me, but if I say that it could be worse isn't really healthy either.

My year-end post isn't exactly a positive one, and yet my first letter for the year shows me looking forward to a better year - am I confusing myself? What is really my state of being at this point?

Let me put it this way, most of the time I can be seen as a pessimist. Whining here and there, like there is really nothing good happening to me. That I am carrying such a heavy load on my shoulders

Yet there are also times that I would write to project optimism. Like I can do anything, and I mean anything, that I want to do. You can see me writing posts of gratitude and other inspiring lines like I was the inspiration guru.

So, where I am really? Am I a whiner and a loser? Or am I winner and an inspiration?

Either-or, neither-nor? Well, I really don't know. Truth to tell, I take everything that life brings to me. If I am blessed, I will definitely spread the news, because joys multiply when they are shared.

And when I'm down, it does make me feel better if I can pour it all out, even though it is just in writing. It is not really my intention of spreading gloom and letting everybody down - it is just how I write.

Whenever I write, I open my soul. You may not always like or agree in every REFLECTIONS that you read...

Right now, this much I can say, for 2009, expect to see more of these honest and sincere reflections...

for those with too much angst and pains... perhaps, I'll just sugar-coat it.

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