Friday, December 26, 2008

Our traditional family Christmas party

Just like what I wrote to my wife, we were able to hold our traditional family Christmas party last December 24. Just like what my wife started with us way back in 2002. Although she is no longer with us, we want to continue this tradition to remember her by.

We offered our Christmas party to her.

After our opening prayer and welcome remark, the kids each delivered messages to their Mama, and of course I did too. Some of the games were in videos while some were in pictures. Although some part of the program were neither in pictures nor videos because it was not possible for me to take them. I am the emcee, photographer and game master all rolled into one.

First game was the longest sound which was won by Ralph (defeating our defending champion Edgar). This was followed by a dance number by Angel. Other games were Pinoy Henyo, Tissue Paper Tearing contest, a different version of Pik Pak Boom (no pictures/videos) and hotdog eating contest.

Edgar and Ralph performed twice. Ralph sang while Edgar accompanied him on the guitar. Angel also recited a poem for us.

We started at 9 PM and by 11:30 PM we were already finished, so we already shared our humble Noche Buena and after which we proceeding with our exchange gifts.

The kids had fun. I hope our Mama was watching us.

Our humble Noche Buena

Some pictures from the party

More pictures and the videos are posted in my multiply account - mcRoyver

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Is it worth it?

Is it worth it?

All those late night works and early morning log-ons, trying to come out with a quality output for a meager pay?

Is it worth it?

Doing something that practically isolates you from the rest of the world?

Is it worth it?

All those anxieties brought about by not being able to produce the required quantity and quality because no matter how hard you try you can't come up with anything.

Is it worth it?

Letting your daughter do her homework and projects alone while you are glued in front of your computer trying to earn your keeps.

Is it worth it?

When something you so love doing suddenly becomes without a value when somebody actually put a price to it.

Is it worth it?

Asking these questions...

Is it?

Saturday, December 20, 2008

One less gift to wrap...

This afternoon, I wrapped my Christmas gifts for the kids. Somehow I managed to get some funds so I can buy them a little something to celebrate the occasion. At least they would have something to open on Christmas day.

Used to be that I was happy wrapping expensive gifts for my kids. I never hold myself spending for them. I want to give them the best that I can give, no matter what the price. If I am short on funds then, getting a loan was easy.

But those were the days. Today is already different.

Still, I was happy as I was wrapping the gifts this afternoon, even if they were not even half of what I used to give to them.

But after I finished wrapping, I felt a sting... something seems to be not right... something's lacking...

It didn't take long for me to realize what was it...

I just realized, there is one less gift to wrap this year...

and it didn't feel good...

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Thoughts for the holidays... none

I don't know why. Like I said before, this year brings a lot of firsts for us and I don't know if I'll ever get used to it. Maybe, I just don't want to get used to it.

With Christmas fast approaching, and I haven't prepared a thing for our family's celebration, I am at lost once again. Cramming for the kids' Christmas party isn't helping either.

I don't know.

If you guessed that maybe I'm not making any sense here, you are right. There's nowhere this post is going. I might as well wind it up.


Friday, December 12, 2008

A video to reflect upon...

Is this video a reflection of things to come?

It's scary!

What can we do about it?

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Great gift idea from

We always want to give the best gift to our friends and love ones this Christmas. But sometimes, no matter how much we think to figure the most appropriate gift, we end up blank once or twice. We just can't figure our specific gift for a special person. In cases like these, instead of wracking our brains, why not just give them the gift of choice with the help of gift cards.

These are special prepaid cards from the Gift Card Mall™, you choose the amount and the shop that they can redeem their gift from. With this card, you will stay on your budget and you won't be making a mistake of giving a gift that will not be appreciated.

Your love ones will surely love this gift from you because he can choose whatever he wants. And you wouldn't have to worry about a thing, because these cards will surely be accepted by the retailers you choose. Yes, even in these times of financial crisis. Retailers need their customers, that is why they will please them.

And there has been an independent survey conducted by Blackhawk Network on this, to ensure that gift cards recipients will not have any problem when presenting their cards to retailers. So get your gift card from and give your love ones the freedom to choose their gift.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

My first fruit salad...

This year brings a lot of first for me... with the passing away of my wife and being left on my own, I have to do things by myself. With my wife's birthday yesterday, I just don't want to it pass without us preparing anything to celebrate the day.

Yet no matter how much I write to her, I know I would still be alone to prepare for it. And so I decided to make fruit salad and cook spaghetti on her birthday. The spaghetti wasn't much a big deal for me, as I have already prepared it before. The only difference is that this time, nobody was coaching me this time as I was cooking.

But for the fruit salad, it's definitely a first for me. I tried to look at cook books and searched on the internet, but what I see only confuses me. Relying on my gut feel and remembering how my wife prepared it then, I bought the needed ingredients and just began making the fruit salad.

All through the process, I was asking the children what they remembered their mother was doing. "Does Mama add the juice of the fruit cocktail in the salad?" I asked my son Edgar, and he answered that she didn't add the juice or syrup. "How much condensed milk does she put?" I followed, and this time none of the kids remembered.

Still, I went on with the procedure, and everything was a guessing game for me. Fortunately, it didn't turn out bad. Big deal! I know - fruit cocktail, all-purpose cream, condensed milk, apples... what could go wrong?!

Like I said, it's a first for me.

Just one more of the firsts that I will be facing all alone from now on...

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Prayer Brigade for the future Philippine President

I have received quite a lot of tags, and I haven't done any them yet (my apologies to those who tagged me, I promise I will get to them in time). But this recent tag, I believe deserve immediate attention as it concerns our future as Filipinos.

joined a prayer brigade and tagged me to join. There's nothing wrong in a prayer or in praying. It's a simple request to join the prayer brigade for the future Philippine President, no matter what religion one may belong, I know we all pray to one God.

My prayer:

I praise and thank You for the talent You have given me to write and express my thoughts. I am hoping that I am serving You with my writings and my works could bring greater glory to Your name.

At this point My Lord, our country needs Your guidance and untiring protection from all those who seek to serve only their self-interest, even if it would cause the demise of the greater majority.

Send us Lord, Your anointed one and bring us a leader that will serve in Your Name, and bring our country closer to You and Your plans for us.

Save us from wolves in sheep's clothing who even speaks in Your Name and yet their heart contains nothing but self-serving motives.

All this I ask in the Mighty Name of Jesus, Your Son and our Lord.


My Oath:

I, Roy dela Cruz support the cause of the Blog Prayer Brigade for the election of the Future President of the Republic of the Philippines and I do solemnly promise to recite the prayer, which I wrote, in my own convenient time and regularly as possible until the 2010 Presidential Election commences. Let it be written, let it be done.

I would like to invite the following people as I tag them to join.


Here's what to do:

1. Write a short, sincere and meaningful prayer, (in your own words and according to the customs of your religious affiliation) about asking God in guiding our country and fellowmen in choosing the right candidate to vote for in the coming 2010 Philippine Presidential Elections. It can be in your own vernacular, and can be short and long as you please. Remember, the goal of the prayer is not only for Peaceful Election but most of all “for the guidance of choosing the right Presidential candidate to vote in the election

2, Publish the prayer for everyone to Read in your blog.

3. Go to the Blog Prayer Brigade Main Page which is located here, and get one of the badges or banners for the brigade. Place the badge or banner in your Sidebar until the 2010 Presidential Elections commence.

4. Make an oath by filling the blank below with your handle/or name

I, _____________________(name) support the cause of the Blog Prayer Brigade for the election of the Future President of the Republic of the Philippines and I do solemnly promise to recite the prayer, which I wrote, in my own convenient time and regularly as possible until the 2010 Presidential Election commences. Let it be written, let it be done.

5. Tag at least 7 Pinoy bloggers you know who haven’t done this before so that the prayer will spread wherever there is a pinoy blogger present.

6. Keep you promise of praying for the Presidential Election so that God may guide us in choosing the right leader for our country.

7. in January 2010, we will gather all the names and prayers of each participants and publish all their prayers in one Blog. We will also feature in the blog the most beautiful prayer ever composed in this project.

Right now, our country really needs prayers to be saved. Let us spread the word.

Thank you.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Our firsts without her...

We have spent our first Mother's Day without her... now here come some more firsts... because life is supposed to go on.

When you're not on someone else's shoes, things are easier to say. "She is at rest now..." "be strong, you can do it..." "have faith..." and so on...

I know all that. But once in melancholic trance, all senses, logic, faith and strength seem to fly out the window. Nothing but anxiety and loneliness remain.

Can life really go on? I'm talking about a life with sense, direction... purpose. I really don't think anybody would understand what I'm saying here... they just think they do.

In a few days time it will be her birthday, November 29 to be exact. Then comes December 8, our wedding anniversary... it is supposed to be our 17th year. Of course, needless to say, Christmas day comes next.

I don't think I'm making any sense here. I don't even know what I'm trying to drive at.

I'm lost... I'm moving and going somewhere... but I don't know where...

I'm doing something, but I don't know what... and why...

and just because life has to go on...

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Clearer reflections, with great eyeglasses

Yes, you'll definitely see clearer reflections with better eyeglasses with Zenni Optical. The popular online eyeglasses shop has something better for you this holidays.

Aside from the $ 8 Complete Rx Eyeglasses that you have seen before, they got special frames for you. The Holiday Glass Frames From Zenni Optical, hip and stylish frames so you can see better and look better this holiday.

That would definitely make clearer reflections for you.

Still keen on writing....

Just like what I wrote in my previous post in The Struggling Blogger, I am planning to start another blog. Although this time, I want to have my own domain... a self-hosted blog.

What would push me to start another blog when I can't almost update all of my existing blogs? And also I can't even meet my quota of daily articles that I need to submit in my work?

What would the new blog be about this time? Just like what I wrote in my other blog, I want to try writing short stories... of different genre (is that the right term for it?) I would like to test myself.

Honestly, I am not really sure if I can do it. I have tried writing stories before but I never got to finish any. The closest that I got was writing some skit or dialogues during presentations in the community.

But then who knows, maybe I can pull it this time... I may be able to write short stories... and maybe soon, I can write my own novel... and maybe publish my book.

Yes, I know... wishful thinking...

Monday, November 17, 2008

Lawyers to assist you on accident claims

"Safety is no accident" so the quote go. But sometimes, no matter how safe and careful we seems to be, accidents still happen, and most of the time it is not our fault. Yet, we are affected by it. But what if this accident did more than just give us minor scratches? Can we file for personal injury claims?

The fact is, we can. Although not everybody knows it. That is why First Personal Injury was established by a group of UK based lawyers to help especially those who are not aware of their rights, even if they were hurt, injured or maimed in an accident.

First Personal Injury knows your right and they are an expert when it comes to accident claims. They have in their roster professional injury lawyers to make sure that your accident claim will have a winning chance.

Let's say you were riding your bike when you had an accident, and most probably, it would involve another vehicle, like a car, a van or a bus. Do you know that you can file for Bicycle accident claims? Because as a biker, you also have a right on road as the other vehicles, which unfortunately isn't recognized AND respected by most motorists.But with First Personal Injury, you can fight for that right and file your bicycle accident claims.

Now, if you are driving a car and you were involved in an accident, no matter how much defensive driving you make, you have no control of the minds of other drivers or how they handle their vehicles. Sometimes the impact of the accident is so great that it can give a whiplash.

Whiplash is a serious thing, it can totally disrupt your life. That is why it is necessary for you to file whiplash injury claims, to make up for the damages you get and the lost income because of not being able to work for sometime because of the accident.

Now that you have an idea of what First Personal Injury can do for you, don't delay and contact them now.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Computer Games

Great computer games available at Midori. They have exciting and safe for kids computer games. Your kids will have lots of fun playing the games like Mister Monster, Yoo Glow, and Yoodoo which by the way has a demo version which you can download, so you can try it before buying the game.

Games for Mac are also available like mac solitaire, Parking dash and Magic Match. All these games also have downloadable trial versions so you can have a feel of the game before buying them. By the way, solitaire is available with 50% off of the original price if you buy before November 16, 2008.

And for those on the go, try the iphone games, to keep you from getting bored on those long trips. Computer games galore! Available for you with just a click of the mouse.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Polluting my blog?

I am very much privileged that I am getting some writing opportunities from paid blogging sites. I needed the money, that's a fact. I am most thankful for the opportunities.

But at the back of my mind, I feel sad... I have deviated from the purpose of my blog. I wouldn't mind with the other blogs, unfortunately this blog is the one that's been getting most opportunities lately.

Of course I can opt not to accept them, but I'm not an hypocrite. Like I said I need the money. But right now I feel like I'm polluting my blog.

But why am I complaining?

I am not really, I just want to write how I feel.

After all this is what Reflections is all about.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Exciting gadgets for Christmas

This coming Christmas season, one gift suggestion that I can think of are gadgets. And any recipients of a gadget for a gift would definitely be delighted. These days, everybody wants to be updated with the latest gadget. If you would listen to my advice and think of scouting for a gift, why not do your shopping online? And one of the best sites for online shopping is ShopWiki.

And while we’re on the subject of gadgets, your boys – big or small, would definitely love to receive a Halo 3 Wireless Headset for Christmas. With these wireless headsets, they can be a Master Chief. Any Halo fanatic will definitely enjoy playing with the ergonomically designed wireless headsets.

This Xbox 360 Limited Edition Halo 3 Wireless Headset will be available only for a limited time. A perfect pair for a Limited Edition Wireless Controller. Your boys will surely appreciate for these gifts as they spend hours of fun playing with their new toy.

And for more gaming options, you can also check out their Nintendo Wii and Playstation 3 pages. Get more choices with

Sunday, November 02, 2008

My childish Christmas wish

A 40 year old wishing for a toy train this Christmas? Why not? Perhaps, it is still the child in me… or maybe it was because of an unfulfilled Christmas wish ever since I was a child. I really don’t know what it is with toy trains that fascinate me as a child that I never seem to have outgrown it.

As a kid, I always dream of having one. The longer the tracks, the better. And I always imagine my train to go on with real smoke and a realistic ‘choo-choo’ sound. And like I said, it was a dream that never gets fulfilled.

And that childish wish somehow survived through all these years. Definitely, it will still be an unfulfilled one, definitely not in the near future. But that doesn’t mean I can’t dream of it, right.

My wife was very much aware of this wish, and was in fact having almost gone to buy me one. But I talked her out of it… not that I don’t want it, but it would only make me feel guilty as there are more expenses that need to be prioritized.

Now, getting that childish Christmas wish fulfilled is out of the question. Yet again, there are more important matters that need to be attended to.

Yes, this is my childish Christmas wish… go ahead laugh.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Stylish prescription eyeglasses from Zenni Optical

The eyes are our window to the world. That is why we need to take care of them. Unfortunately, it is inevitable that our eyesight suffer due to various factors. It could be age, fatigue, stress and more. And in cases like these, prescription eyeglasses are a must.

Incredible Stylish New Frames From Zenni can provide you with clearer eyesight without making you look like a nerd. With the wide selection of cool eyeglasses that they have, you will surely find one that would fit your personality.

And did you know that Zenni Optical was on FOX news! Aside from their long years of track record in selling prescription eyeglasses on line, their credibility was able to send them to a top rating TV Show.

You need not worry about the price either, as they manufacture their own eyeglasses, you can be assured of low prices. An example is the Zenni Optical $ 8 Eyeglasses. They are able to give this much low price because there is no middleman or salesman commission to add up to the price.

So get your prescription eyeglasses direct from Zenni Optical and have better eyesight without burning a hole in your pocket.

Running shoes for perfect health

Now that I don’t need to report on a regular 9 to 5 jobs, I would have more time for myself. I guess I will start with my stamina as I would definitely need it as I face my future in blogging. I am planning of waking up early to be able to make running a daily routine.

But running may not be as simple as I thought it was. Though I may not be able to find a running buddy at the start, I can definitely find some running tips on the internet. I am sure that one of these tips is being able to get the proper running shoes.

And of course, being the blogger that I am, I can definitely find sources of good running shoes on the internet. One such recommended site for excellent online shopping is of course ShopWiki. With their wide range of online shops, I’m sure I can find the perfect running shoes for me.

I am really excited to get back in shape as I start with running. And I know that being healthy, I will be able to write some more on my blogs, maybe find more online opportunities. And I will be more confident in writing because I know I am in good health – both mind and body.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Improve your credit score

If you have been applying for loans and yet you are always being rejected all the time, maybe you need credit repair. Your credit score may already be low, without you even realizing it.

DSI Solutions is here to help you improve credit score. Just read the testimonies of their satisfied clients who went to DSI Solutions and now, because they have their improve credit rating, they were able to get their loans approved.

Instead of getting credit dispute and be rejected all the time, why don’t you go to DSI Solutions and enjoy the benefits and having a good credit score. Wouldn’t you like to have an approved credit card to use for those emergencies? Or maybe a car or a new house for you and your family.

With the help of DSI Solutions, you need not suffer rejection all the time. Visit their site and see how they can help you get a better credit score.

Better home lighting with

There is nothing like a good lighting to make a home warm and bright, especially if these are of the right brightness and tone. can give you light fixtures that not only brighten your home, but also make for good aesthetics.

Searching the item you want is a breeze with the site search feature. Whether you’re looking for kitchen light fixtures or bathroom light fixtures, have them. And what’s more, you can compare and find their prices the lowest, direct from the top manufacturers.

If you want some beautiful yet affordable chandeliers, also has them in wide selections for you to choose from. From traditional to contemporary, as well as casual and mini-chandeliers, they have them all.

For the best and affordable home lighting needs, remember to visit Your first and last stop when it comes to light fixtures, both indoor and outdoor.

Make your home warm and bright with

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Modern Furniture Store

One of the best ways to make our home look homey and comfortable is by choosing the right combinations of furniture. Especially in the spaces that we are likely to frequent.

In looking for Bedroom Furniture that we can put on one of the most important room of the house E-Room Service has wide a range of furniture that we can choose from. They have Bedroom sets, Platform beds, Nightstands, Drawers and more that will surely complement our personality.

Aside from the bedroom, they also have Modern Furniture for every room of the house. Living room, dining room, kid’s room, name it they have it. Their Designer Furniture will surely fit in your home, with lots of style to perfectly match your home’s theme.

And if you are looking for Contemporary Furniture or Italian Furniture, E-Room Service has the right furniture for you. Just visit their site to see the pictures of these lovely sets.

Make your home a comfortable and relaxing place to stay in. Enjoy long and happy family hours as you relax and bond with their beautiful furniture.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Source of easy loan

It is not always easy getting a loan, I know it... I've been there. In fact, I still am. And unless you have a collateral to offer as security, you won't get any loan easily.

But that is not the case with, they are willing to give loans to people like us who has no collateral to offer.

EZUnsecured, that is because getting an unsecured loan is fast and easy. We now have a source of easy loan, to start a business, emergency needs, and whatever reason.

If I were you, I will visit their website now.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Reflections on the Rated K experience

Never in my entire blogging career have I experienced getting so many visitors and so many comments. Perhaps, the Rated K stint did arouse the curiosity of televiewers. I’m just glad that so far, all I’m getting are positive comments.

Yes, I do enjoy the celebrity status I’m getting right now. This was exactly what I am getting when I won in Eat Bulaga’s Let’s Vault In! last 2006. But this time, with a longer exposure… and an interesting story to boot, thanks to the media people who really knows how to stir people’s emotions, I suddenly became more than the person that I used to be.

In all sincerity, I really don’t know what to expect from this. But I do hope that something good will come out of this. Aside from curious visitors, sincere supporters, and well meaning readers. And I hope that, that “ something good” will come out pretty soon.

I am really thankful for those more than 50 comments posted in my Letters To Mama blog, a friend even texted me saying that he might get me as a speaker in their seminar.
Maybe these are just for starters…

…I hope

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Never thought I could get featured at Rated K

Call it fate or destiny, but the blog which I never really promoted like my other blogs was spotted by people from the TV industry. I’m talking about my Letters To Mama, my blog where I try to reach out to my wife who is now ‘at home’ with our Almighty. It was a personal blog that’s why it never sees promotion, like what I do with my other blogs everytime I have a new post.

Hoping that she might be able to read it… wanting to believe that maybe… just maybe… maybe there’s an internet in heaven. Some people who have chanced up it perhaps gave a secret laugh upon reading it, thinking that it was such a ridiculous thing to think. But that foolishness has in fact help me to cope… up to this time.

Recently, people from Rated K stumbled upon it, and saw a story worthy of featuring in their show. They contacted me, fetch me up from Angeles City and took me to Korina Sanchez for an interview, and also did some shoots at home and in some places here in my town.

Yes, this experience is quite new to me. Going through the stages of the production, I was still skeptic if it was true or not. And before I knew it, it was over and will be included on this Sunday’s episode, October 12, 2008.

I am excited while at the same time worried. If it were some of my other blogs, I wouldn’t have this much concern. But it’s the blog which is most personal to me. And I honestly don’t know how it is going to turn out. I just hope that it brings better reflections of me.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A promising journey through Graduate School

I really wish I can still pursue my dream of taking up my master’s degree, and improve my marketability. I am more inclined now to continue with this plan, especially now that I found a site where I can get custom written essays. This is especially helpful because written reports, essays, research works and what-have-you, are what you might call necessary evils. They are a requirement to complete the course, yet may not really add up to the learning process.

I can even get dissertation writing service from this site. This looks like my journey to the masters degree and then probably a PhD could be a breeze… okay, not really a breeze, but at least I would have less items to worry because of this site.

I know I can rely on them to help me finish the course because they have professional essay writer who will do my requirements. These writers are knowledgeable in the subject that they are writing about, and they have first hand experience, hence I won’t be only dealing with professionals, but authority on the subjects as well.

By the way, the site I am talking about is Custom, a custom writing service company that offers quality output everytime. All reports are absolutely free of plagiarism, and transactions are treated with utmost confidentiality. And did I mention they were professionals?

Hmmm…. I got to prepare for my enrollment for graduate school

Monday, September 22, 2008

How Reflections started

I do hope this is worth reading...

Reflections was my first blog, it was in fact my only blog for more than four years. I never really thought I will have other blogs aside from this one, but then this is too personal and I know I just can't post anything in here - that is if I want to earn.

But how did Reflections start? It started with a notebook, long before I was even surfing the net... long even before blog was a word. I was a poet, a self-proclaimed at least, even before I was a blogger. Back then there was no niche, no PR, no feeds, no feedbacks, no comments - just pure emotions... honest emotions.

Yes, Reflections were only poems, not rants. They were not essays, only verses. Written on paper with an old fashion pen. No audience, no ratings... no one knows... no one cares.

Three filled notebooks and 9 blogs later, there were no more inks from the pen, no more space on the paper. Then blog came to be... is it a blessing or a curse? Do I really prefer an audience over anonymity? Which is more sincere? Do I still write to express? Or do I need to impress?

Deep inside me I know, when I get tired from all these blogging, I'll get back to these humble yet sincere notebooks which I call my Reflections.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Is it Christmas yet?

I entered Nepo Mall today at around 10:30 AM, it took me more than 5 minutes inside before I noticed the song that was playing in the mall. It was a Tagalog Christmas song! It was only then that I realized that it is now the months of 'ber'

In the Philippines, ber months or months ending in ber signify the start of the Christmas season. The longest Christmas celebration there is, from September (ber month) to January of next year (3 Kings) which explains the Christmas song this early.

There is nothing like the feeling of Christmas carols playing in the air, somehow it lightens up the feeling.. although, at some point it made me feel sad... it will be our first Christmas without my wife.

But whether I sulk at the corner thinking of how we could have spend it this year if we are complete, or anticipate the coming of the season and think of ways to celebrate it with my kids... Christmas will be here... soon enough even.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

My story on my friend's blog

It is rather late that I blog about it, but I guess it will be just fine to rekindle the attention on my story, hehehe...

My story about my daughter's experience in a contest when she was still so young... made even better by my friend Jena Isle as she posted it on her blog. She even made it more interesting by giving it in three installment... making readers wait in anticipation what would happen next, ala telenovela.

Well, enough of me talking. I just like to share to three links which are all now posted. I hope you will have the time read them... hope you like them.

Here they are:

She didn't dance - Part 1

She didn't dance - Part 2

She didn't dance - The Conclusion

Thank you very much for your time in reading my story.

Thank you very much Jena!

I can't wait how it will appear in the book

Sunday, August 24, 2008

I am still holding to a dream....

And that dream was what started this REFLECTIONS blog in the first place... a simple dream actually... I dream that someday I am going to publish my own book of poetry... my own poems... my reflections.

With my story being included in my friend's Jena Isle's book which would be published sometime next year, at least I would know how it feels to be a published writer, even just a contributing one... but then, a personal book, where I am the author is still a dream that I want to come true.

I don't know the process, I don't even know where to start. I asked a publisher friend for some information... unfortunately, not only that he didn't give me the information I needed but he discouraged me against it.... citing all complexities, complications... and most of all cost. For a while, it sidelined my dream.

I guess, I should find some support elsewhere. From one who genuinely helps and supports without prejudice, especially someone like me who obviously doesn't have the needed funds at this moment.

But that is just half of the concern I have. Because, there is this fear... that once it is published, how do I get it promoted? Would somebody even want to buy it? Or would it just gather dust in the bookshelves of the bookstores? Would they (bookstores) even accept it for display?

I know, I'm thinking way ahead... I haven't even got the REFLECTIONS published.

This is my dream...

Will it remain forever as one?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I'm just a $1 away from my first payout...

$1.13 to be exact! And I do hope I get that before this month's cut-off. It will be my first real online income if ever. Been clicking ads for a long-time, and honestly I'm very far away from the minimum payout. That's why I am not wasting my time with them anymore.

Fortunately for me, I found MyLot. An online forum that pays its members just by participating in the discussions. And there are lots of discussions going on, that's why there is always something that is interesting to pinch in my 2-cents worth.(But if you post sensible responses, your opinions are really worth more than 2-cents ;) )

If only I weren't too busy these past few days, I could have reached the minimum payout long time ago. But no regrets, because MyLot is really a fun community. You will forget that you actually signed up for an online income.

And since this is an online community, I have made friends already with people half a globe away from me. Because there are lots of MyLot members from all over the world. You'll learn a lot from their insights and their culture... it's like travelling around the world without leaving your house.

And if you haven't tried it yet, now would be a right time to start. Register now, just follow this link and you can register FOR FREE!

I'm warning you though, it's quite addictive. So be sure to finish all your work before signing in, because it will be so fun you might forget everything else.

Monday, August 11, 2008

First day at a new job...

Today was my first day in my new job... and I didn't do anything. Actually, I did do something, but nothing that I can say that I really worked. Because the person who was supposed to orient me was absent. So I just observed a supervisor who was doing his work. He did feed ne some information regarding my job description.

The job was with Holiday Inn in Clark, Philippines. My job? I don't know the job title, but it sure looks like a stock custodian, although they don't want to call it that. The department I am with is 'Cost Control' department. Yet it seems that our function is simply monitoring, documenting and recording. Perhaps show some graphs of expenses and consumption trend. There is really no control on our part. I could be wrong, it's just my first day.

Tomorrow, I'll be back, hopefully the department head is already present to brief me about my work. It's just clerical, way below my qualifications. But it's fine with me, I'm just having some second thoughts about the salary. Of course it's just the rate of a clerk. And another thing, I'm under an agency. Funny, I didn't apply on any agency.

Anyway, I'm still on a wait-and-see-mode. Maybe soon, I can make some decisions.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

A free insurance from Philam Plans

Just arriving home the other day, my son told me to call back Philam Plans. He said they called while I was gone. Puzzled, I dialed the number my son gave me and asked for 'Michelle', the one who called. As they were calling her, I'm still thinking... what could be the reason for this call?

When Michelle was already on the phone, she told me that I have a free insurance with them worth P25,000 and asked me to pick-up my certificate from their office. Skeptics isn't exactly my middle name, but I'm definitely sure that you don't get something for nothing these days. As she was explaining, I butted in, "Okay, what's the catch?" to which she readily replied, "There's no catch sir, somebody referred you and our head office approved the referral that's why you have a free insurance." She then assured me that I should not pay for anything once I pick-up my certificate.

Still skeptic, I went to their office yesterday afternoon to get my certificate. I got my certificate with no-strings attached to it. But I filled up a personal data sheet wherein they asked me to submit my own referrals too. Hmmm.... I'm beginning to get the picture. Once they get people in their office, they might try to sell them some of their products... but since I have already told them before that I am jobless without any penny on me to 'bite their bait', they really didn't exert any effort selling anything to me.

And so I got away with my free insurance worth P25,000 But since it is free, it has so many limitations. But what the heck, you're not expecting anything grand for something you didn't spend a penny on, do you? I always believed in securing the future for my children, that's why once I have enough resources I sure am willing to pay for it. But for now, I would settle for the free-but-limited insurance.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Will I try again?

Lately, it seems I've been finding my zest being revived and I want to continue pursuing the business that I once started. I have abandoned it and haven't been really doing anything about it for months now. I don't know why, but it seems like I've lost touch... I wouldn't want to go on.

But then, being still unemployed, it seems that I really have no other recourse. Being 40 here in Philippines isn't an easy situation to be when you're looking for a job. Top that with being unemployed for more than a year. Credentials notwithstanding, I was a bum and I will always be thought as that.

Now, I'm waking up to my senses. Although honestly, I still don't know where to start again. I don't even know where I stopped. Losing my wife somehow made me lost my touch in the real world. But months of living under parent's subsidy isn't helpful for my self-esteem.

That's why now, I am literally dragging my feet... pushing myself, so I can start again. For my children... I made a promise to my wife that I will take care of them.

So help me God.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Come To Jesus... She did...

I know someday it will come to this... and perhaps it could be the best that could happen... for her to finally rest.

We've been prepared for it, in fact we used to discuss it casually. As if it's the most normal thing to happen.

But I guess no amount of preparation could spare us from the pain. When it happened, we thought it wouldn't hurt as much... but it did. Until now... the pain of losing her is still within.

I know this is for the best... the end of all her pains and sufferings. Because now, finally... she went home.

I will no longer hear you cry
for you will never be in pain
Yet I will always feel your smile
cause your love will always remain

We miss you Mama.

Monday, June 30, 2008

New house... new hope(?)

As I have written in my other blogs,we have moved in to a new house. We have left the house where my wife spent her last days with us. No, we didn't want to erase her memories. It's just that we really have to move out... no more money to pay for the rent.

Fortunately for us, my sister who now stays in Canada allowed us to use her house. She was actually having it rented, but because of what had happened to us she courteously asked the tenants to move out so we can have a house to stay in. Here now is where we stay, with the promise that once I am employed or already earning, I still have to pay for the rent.

That solves the dwelling place problem... but like I said, I'm still unemployed and still unproductive. Quickly becoming a bum, am I? I hope not. I really wish I am not. Because even while we have a place to stay in, we still have to provide for our daily needs.

My three kids goes to school, one is already in college. They have to eat daily... they have to spend daily. Prelims is already fast approaching... the second installment of their tuition fee will be due anytime now. Then there's the utilities... water, electric, communications. The old debts that were incurred in the past and are already past due.

I really don't know what to say... nor what am I driving at...

Heck! I've seen worst!

Friday, June 20, 2008

I never thought it still could hurt...

After taking my daughter Angel to school this morning, I went to my wife's tomb in the cemetery. I try visit her as often as I can, and since all the kids are in school, it's the best time to visit her again. After all, it was almost a week since my last visit.

Shortly, I arrived at the cemetery. With the morning joggers and few people who came to visit too, there weren't too many people there. Aside from occasional laughters from the joggers, everything's really peaceful and quiet. The kind of peace that my wife would appreciate.

Upon reaching my wife's tomb, I placed the flowers down, lit the candles and just stood there... quietly. Wind blowing softly... it was so serene. As I stand there praying silently, while looking at my wife's tomb, I felt something inside me. I felt sadness... I felt pain... bitterness.

I never thought it still could hurt this much. More than the pain of losing the one I love, is the frustrations of not doing much for her in her last few days. I wish I could have done more for her... I wish I could have made her last hours happier.

And as I try to hold on the tears from falling as I walk home... I began to feel that I miss her more now... more than ever before.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Different moods... different blogs...

My different views and different moods won't allow me to post everything here... hence I created other blogs to contain my different moods and views. Allow me to share them here. And while their links may already be in the sidebars, herewith are some brief descriptions of what they are and why they are.

Here goes:

poems... essays... emotions... reflections

My very first blog. Used to be that I will post everything here... my pains, my views, feelings, news, poems... everything! Until I realized that everything shouldn't be here. Which began the creation of a series of other blogs. To contain other items that should not be here. This blog is personal.

Now it contains essays and poems, as well as views and latest happenings in my life.

Be Inspired Now!
as I seek for inspiration... I also seek to be one...

A blog where I can share my poems... my stories... wherein I could hope to inspire others. Here is where I will also share some stories that I got from the net and other people... and somehow were also able to make some difference in my life.

And as my invitation for this blog goes....

Let us all be inspired!

Subukan Taya Ing Kapampangan!
Kapampangan para kareng Kapampangan!

A Kapampangan blog for Kapampangans all over the world. Written entirely in my native tounge, with few insertions of English and other languages/dialects if they have no Kapampangan translation or if it could emphasize the subject.

News and views, and others too - all in Kapampangan. Kabalen, mekeni na!

The House Of Puroy Enterprises
The home of ideas, the home of creativity
the home expressions, the home of HOPE

The blog edition of my multiply site... intended for promotion of my business, my products and everything commercial. So far, it has become a feedback blog... a service review... and opinions based from my point-of-view as a customer. AND I LIKE IT THAT WAY.

But with it's original purpose still in mind, soon it will contain what it was intended to contain. While still continuing with what has it started.

After all, it is the home of expressions.

Letters To Mama
maybe there's an internet in heaven...

Since my wife has been gone... I am left with no one to talk to. No one to share or contradict my views. Add to the fact that I have to attend to our kids - fulltime. And most of the time, I am clueless on what to do. From the food to be served, what to do when they are sick, when they are whining, quarrelling, to the smallest of their problem.

My wife would always know what to do... this blog is my way of reaching out to her. To seek her advice... tell her about the latest happenings with us... and just to tell her how much I love her and how much I miss her.

Who knows? Maybe... just maybe... maybe, there's an internet in heaven.

The Struggling Blogger
If I write will you read? If I beg will you feed?

A blog where I consciously attempt to write with sense and relevance. Here is also where I intend to show that I can become a professional blogger - where I intend to find the means and ends to earn from blogging.

While it may currently contains a mixed bag of opinions... from movies to televisions, and what-have-you's, it's initial intention is still intact - to earn. And on my travel towards that road, continously seeking for the opportunity (or the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow), I will share every bit of information that I may gather along the way, to assist others too in their own struggle.

Sugar Coated World
because life isn't really that sweet...

A spin-off from my REFLECTIONS blog. Still personal, but with more angst... more pains. All the negativity that I wish to dislodge from my chest. Puts the reality back in my life.

And while it seems to contradict the Be Inspired Now! blog, it help me keeps my sanity by allowing me to be free from all anxities within me.

I seek your indulgence on this one... while it may not as positive, it is as real as life... which isn't really that sweet after all.

I hope you could take time to visit all of them and see the diversity of my moods and emotions... some may call it inconsistency, others may call it flexibility or adaptability, others would call it moods, while others may not really care. But what the heck! They are blogs, each with a personality of its own... and their are mine.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

The light just dimmed out...

What I thought was the light at the end of the tunnel seem to haved dimmed out. Because until now, I haven't received a call from the company in Subic who interviewed me two weeks ago. The interviewer assured me that I would be back for the final interview since he would recommend me. I should have known better.

Now, I'm back again to hoping... into hanging on a thread... a thread of hope that is.

I really don't know if migration is the only option for us. I guess, with the way things are turning out, there is really no choice left for us. I am hesitant I admit that, this sentiment is actually shared by my two sons. The only one enthusiastic about this is my daughter Angel. And it is because of her that this being planned for.

I wish things would be better soon. If migration should be it... then so be it. Anything for my children. After all, they already sacrificed so much.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Hope shines anew....

It could just be a thread... but it is something for me to hang on... at least...

Yesterday I got a call on my cellphone. A girl on the other line confirmed my name and then asked if I am already employed. When I said not yet, she asked if I would like to work for them as an accountant.

Surprised... at first I thought it was frank call... a scam... another modus operandi. I asked her name again and their company. It turns out they are locators in Subic, it is a Japanese company looking for an accountant. When I asked her how she got hold of my number and how did she know I was an accountant. She told me "from the internet". I remembered, I uploaded my resume in and

Anyway, she asked me if I could come for an interview - Monday, June 3 at 9:00 in the morning. I said yes cause I really don't have anything to do on that date. After she hung up, I was still confused about what has transpired. I haven't applied to any company online for quite sometime as I am not getting any reply nor feedback from them. Then suddenly, a company picked up my resume from the databank?!

I searched for the company's name in the net. It is an existing company, a legitimate one. And they have just been awarded a contract by the Subic Bay Metropolitan Authority (SBMA). So I guess, this could be a real job offer.

The interview will be tomorrow... so if you happen to chance by this blog anytime before, during and even after the interview... please may I request for a short prayer? Hoping that this could be the light at the end of the tunnel I'm searching for...

I'm still hoping...

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Better Reflections...

That is because EntreCard has done something great for the blogging community! Now members of EntreCard with multiple blogs can link their blogs and access them by just logging in on one account. A simple 'switch' could move them from one blog to another. Read all the about the great news here!

They are also giving the Official EntreCard E-Book for free! A step-by-step guide on how to maximize EntreCard for your blogs bigger traffic. Download the free e-book here!

And with the 2,000 EC credits they are giving away, I can have more readers for my REFLECTIONS because I can promote my blog on other blogs using the EC credits. The 2,000 EC credits is just the tip of the iceberg! They're even giving away 15,000 EC credits! Get all the details now!

And now, back to our regular REFLECTIONS.

Monday, May 26, 2008

The Life and Joys of a Single Father...

To be honest, I am almost tempted to create another blog to chronicle this. But I had second thoughts... would I really like to blog about it? And can I keep the posts coming to justify it being created into a separate blog. I decided just to keep it a post here, and maybe keep it just a series should I need to post another topic on this.

I really cannot complain about being a single father, because in the first place I believe I haven't really been a good single father for me to have a right to complain. Second, I am blessed with good children who have stood with me through these trying times.

Being a single father for more than 3 months now, I am still not used to making even simple decisions by myself. It is so difficult to face the fact that I don't have anyone to ask an opinion from, so I end up asking my kids.

Maybe someday, I can blog more about this. Right now, all I can say is that, the only thing that make this thing I'm going through easier for me, are my kids. My wife's gift to me, whom she thought well... loving..., respecting..., and understanding.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Be inspired now!

This will be the first time I will be blogging for another blog. My latest blog that is. I made yet another new blog. My latest baby...

Be Inspired Now!

To date, I have five active blogs, REFLECTIONS, Letters To Mama, Sugar Coated World, The Struggling Blogger and The House Of Puroy's Blog. Other blogs were also created in-betweens, but these are the ones I'm keeping and updating actively so far.

Be Inspired Now! would make it six. I hope I can keep it active as well. Those who know me and those who are regular readers may notice that I'm crazy over tag lines... and this one's tag line would be 'as I seek for inspiration... I also seek to be one...'

Yes, this blog is where I will put articles that I hope could inspire me to move on. Honestly, I needed them. And at the same time, sharing them so they could also be an inspiration to others.

This may contain personal stories, my original poems that I wrote since adolescent years, as well other stories, articles and poems that have touched me and has greatly influence my life.

Today, the blog doesn't really have anything much. Just an introductory post, and a whole lot of good intentions. I do hope I could keep up with the blogs intentions... and as my invitation in my first post goes... Let us all be inspired!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Another reason for me to be thankful...

A news that came to me today caught me by surprise... the place where I used to have my internet shop was broken in - again! I said again because of all the four internet shops that operated there, three were now broken in. Only one was spared... that one was me.

Come to think of it, I really didn't have too complicated security locks to prevent anyone from breaking in then. I used the same padlocks, same techniques, same precautions as all of them had. Fortunately, I was spared... although I believe there was an attempt too in my time as there was an instance that I came to the shop with the front locks missing! Yet, like what I said... I was spared.

The first internet shop owner, I was told was broken in twice. Then she sold the shop to her friend... which was also broken in. That's when I came in. He told me all about it, didn't withhold any fact - that he was broken in and all units were stolen except for the monitors. I tried my luck and continued the business. But I was not as successful with the inflow of customers as my predecessor was. I was told that he was earning P1,000 to P2,000 a day, yet I hardly make P300 in a day. So to cut my losses, I sold the business. Only, my units were not bought, only my rights to the place.

The new owner bought new units and renovated the place. It was nice and cozy when it was finished. A far cry from the dark blue interiors I had then. When I passed by the place, I could see that they were doing good... much better than I did. Only to be told today that they too became a victim of burglary.

While I symphatize with them, I also realized that I should be thankful that I was spared and didn't become a victim when I was having my business there. I could only imagine the anxiety... the trauma... that one undergoes when these things happen.

I pray that soon, all these nonsense would finally stop. So everybody can live and sleep in peace...

A futile attempt to cash-in on my blogs...

I thought it could be... after all, this blog has been up for a long time now. So I joined an online community wherein they would provide opportunity for bloggers to earn. Isn't it swell?! Earning for something that you love doing! That's great!

So I submitted my blog for approval... looking forward to blogging as a career. Only to be doused off with water. The fire within, slowly flickering... dying down even before it got a chance to burst out into a flame.

My blog posts, counting 40 before this didn't make the grade. I didn't pass a simple requirement - 20 blogs for the last 90 days. Too shallow a criteria I must say. Quantity of posts rather than quality. There's nothing I can do about it, it's their rules. I should have blabber more. Dividing my emotions into 2 topics or more, to be able to meet the required number. But then again, blogging for personal reflections couldn't be done that way. Somehow, I felt like an outcast in the problogging world.

A futile attempt... another disappointment... even in my blogs.

This is me... so what else is new?

Sunday, May 11, 2008

A Mother's Day without a mother....

It was a special day for mothers... to recognize all her efforts, all her sacrifices, all her love. Only this time ours isn't around for us to reciprocate all the love that she gave to us. The one who deserves most of the recognition, cause in spite of her condition she still showed us the meaning of selfless love.

I know we are not alone in this predicament, there are lots of motherless families out there. Only for us, it's our first year without my wife... for my kids without a mother... on this very special day.

She left us barely three months ago, when even with all her courage and strong spirit within, her weak body has to succumb to an ailment burdening her for so long. And she has to go... without saying goodbye.

Mother's Day made us miss her even more... and appreciate the fact that she and only she can take care of us and love us the way she does. With three kids getting sick all at the same time makes me wonder... how can she take care of them in her condition? When I, healthy and strong, isn't able to take good care of them and allowed them to be sick - on Mother's Day even!

I know, no amount of hoping and praying could bring her back, cause she is now at rest. A rest that she really deserved. Cause her battle wasn't an easy one... even touching other's life by her mere smile despite the pains she's been feeling.

But even without her by our side, she is still the best mother my children could have. And there's no reason that we can't greet her on her special day, cause she's always been around... watching us... loving us.

Happy Mother's Day Mama!

We love you.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Wow! My Blogs Are Being Read!

Last night, during the swimming party of the community to which I belong, a fellow brother approached me and told me that he read what I have written on the net. It came quite a surprise to me to know this brother is doing net-surfing. Not that he doesn't know how to access the internet, but because surfing the internet is not his thing... much more read blogs!

And so I told him, "I didn't know you have access to the internet!", and he told me that it was his in-law - he didn't say if it was a brother or a sister-in-law, who saw my blogs and printed them for him. He said they were okay... quite heavy, but okay. When I asked how did his in-law came to stumble upon my blogs, he said he doesn't know.

This realization came a bit of a surprise to me... indeed, my blog has been going around! And people who don't know me at all are stumbling upon it, maybe by chance but the fact is they did. I used to promote my blog only to those who are in the address book of my e-mail which I would say is quite few. Through forums too, but I rarely get feedback, for me to think that my blog is actually being read.

It has been quite a while since I started my first blog... since 2004 to be exact. Pouring out my thoughts... my fears... my angst... my joys... my soul literally, in writing. Something which I was just writing in my notebooks manually before, with no audience whatsoever... except for me and my wife.

Now, maybe it has become a little bit advanced, but still has the same emotions. No pretensions... and definitely not for show. Seeking not to impress, but to express. Looking for an outlet for an otherwise withheld thoughts and feelings. Thinking not of what reactions it could gain from whoever could chance upon it.

Rarely do I get online comments on my blogs, that's why I really thought that it was just one of those blogs on the net... nothing special, just text made personalized. And more often than not - ignored. But with the comment that I got from a fellow brother in the community last night, there's only one thing I can say....

"Wow! I am actually being read!"


Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Death Of An Angeles City's Icon

I am not really a person who is so much concern with what is happening around me… as long is it does not directly affect me. But the news that I heard today has a great impact on me, being an Angelenos. Lucita Cunanan, more popularly known as Aling Lucing, was killed inside her house early this Wednesday morning. Reports said that she died due massive head injuries caused by hammer. Yes! Brutally, she was hammered to death.

Aling Lucing became famous because of concocting a dish which became the ‘pambansang pulutan’ in the Philippines - the Sisig! And I, naturally, take pride that this ‘phenomenon’ originated in my hometown, Angeles City. This became so famous that people from Manila would travel all the way to Angeles City and go to the place called ‘Crossing‘, where chains of barbecue stands are lined up just beside the old train rail tracks (hence the name Crossing) which includes Aling Lucing’s. Not minding the long drive, and I’m pretty sure the NLEX doesn’t exist yet then or at least it is not at it is now, just to be able to taste the original ’sisig’ of Aling Lucing. A part of of Angeles City’s history.

But this morning… a very sad news shocked the entire city. The murder of Aling Lucing - inside her own house! I don’t really know the exact details of her death, as you know how details changes or get mixed-up when it passes from one source to another, but one thing is for sure - she was killed!

The news on TV revealed more details. She lived with her husband and a household help, their children who already has families of their own does not live with them anymore. And as the story goes, Mr. Cunanan left her early in the morning (4:30AM) to buy some food, and when he came back he found her already dead… apparently hammered to death.

Although there are no reports yet as to who is or are the suspects, the police somewhat gave a hint on what is on their mind: there were no signs of forced entry upon initial inspection of the area and an interview with the maid revealed that she didn’t hear any sign of struggle or a fight or a shout. But the authority said that they just have some ‘reservations’ on the husband’s story… hmmm… sounds like a CSI material. If only SOCO would do good on their job, hopefully this case would be solved soon. We Angelenos want it to be solved soon.

Personally, I really don’t know her, but from someone who just recently lost a love one, I feel for her family. And like the rest of the city, I am sad that this has to happen to one the city’s icon. And the least that we could do now is to pray that justice would prevail soon.

Aling Lucing may be gone… but her legacy will last forever. For her name is already synonymous with sisig and vice-versa. A legacy that Angeles City will always be proud of.

God Bless her soul.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Nokarin Ta Kanyan?

Literally would translate to 'Where to now?' or 'What's next?' Written as an entry to the first ever Kapampangan Songwriting contest of Aslag Kapampangan in August of last year. Unfortunately, it didn't pass the committee's scrutinizing standards.
Dedicated to the victory of Among Ed as Governor of Pampanga and as a challenge to all those who pushed him and supported him. Because winning the election and having Among Ed at the Governatorial seat isn't a guarantee of change. Those who supported Among Ed must continue working... doing their share... instead of being contented of the victory and let the Governor do all the work


Nokarin ta kanyan?
‘Yan ing kakung kutang
Sinlag ne pin ing abak
Nanu nang tutuki tamung gawan?

Pabusten ta nang makanyan?
Kaybat na ning inumpisan
Kabud ta na munta king lele
At karin ta na manalbe

E wari dapat ta ping makyabe?
Nung talagang buri tamung salese
Dapat tamung gawan kekatang parte
Sukat tamung ‘bye kekatamung dake

Ngeni pin kabang masala
Magobra ta na ngan balang sabla
Pamagbayung kekatang inumpisan
Ituloy taya’t diyan kaganapan

August 9, 2007
Angeles City

***NOTE**** please respect propriety and intellectual rights. do not copy without the author's consent. thanks.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

You said everything will be fine...

You said that once this is all over… everything will be fine. Everything will go on as we wanted them to be. No more worries, no more pains, no anxieties… just plain bliss. But then… it isn’t really exactly what we thought it would be.

Yes maybe, it’s a little more quiet here… perhaps too quiet. And there’s a little less stress. But silence doesn’t necessarily mean peace, and the absence of stress doesn’t mean there’s calmness in my heart.

Barely a month since you’ve been gone, honestly I actually thought that it will be just fine. That I’ll be able to go on, take care of the children, continue to achieve all our dreams that we never seem to realize and eventually make you proud of me. I was wrong! Aside from a poem and this lousy essay – I haven’t really accomplished anything!

I know that now, there’s nothing stopping me to fulfill all our dreams, for the children’s sake. But while there’s nothing stopping me – there’s really nothing and no one pushing me either! It’s just not the same with you gone! I’ve never been so lost and confused. You won’t be back, that’s a fact. But realizing that fact is not helping a bit. I know I have to move on, I know I have to do something, but I just can’t. I thought I can. For a couple a days I was fine, taking care of the children, trying so damn hard to fill the emptiness. It didn’t actually take long for reality to sink in – YOU’RE GONE AND NEVER TO RETURN AGAIN.

No, I’m not blaming you or anything, I understand that you really need to rest. You have done so much for us, we can’t ask for anything more. Remember when you told me that you were only being a burden to us because you really can’t do anything? Do you remember what my reply to you was? “Your being here with us… here for us… is already enough.” There is no better time to prove the truth in that statement than now. With you being gone, no matter how hard we try to accept it, is just not the same. NOTHING AND NO ONE can fill the empty space that you left us.

I MISS YOU! Maybe that’s all I really wanted to say… I thought I was prepared for this… even if we have really accepted long before that it will eventually come to this… even if I accepted the fact that this is the best for you… it’s really not just the same now that it has come to be.

Soon maybe, things will be fine. But right now, I’m sorry Mama… it is not.

March 12, 2008
7:58 PM

Monday, March 10, 2008


Too long have you been carrying the burden
Too long you’ve been bearing the pain
That in the middle of the night
I hear your silent cries

All these years you’ve been strong
You never gave up for us
You filled us all with hope
All because of the love in your heart

In your weakness you were able to push us
These in spite of the pains you kept inside
I always love to see your smile
Like there’s nothing wrong inside

But strength maybe in your spirit
The body is nothing but flesh
It feels the fatigue… it feels the pain
And would definitely seek to rest

As much as I would like to hold on
Though I don’t want to let you go
I know how you have suffered much
Cause I’ve been there with you

So I bid you now finally, goodbye
To a place where pain will not be a part
So you could finally be at peace
And from all the burdens, be free

I will no longer hear you cry
For you will never be in pain
Yet I will always feel your smile
Cause your love will always remain…

Finally… you can rest my love…

March 10, 2008
11:30 PM

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Spending time in the hospital

I am wasting my time in the hospital right now… instead of being productive. Like a prisoner from Alcatraz, I cannot escape. I am not bounded by chains and cage, yet still, I can’t go anywhere. And no, I’m not even sick… sick and tired maybe, but not sick. You know what I mean.

Valentine’s just a few days away, four days to be exact. Aside from Christmas, it is the only occasion where I could really make some money with my stuff – chocolates and personalized gifts. But instead, I whiled away my time here, idle… unproductive.

Hospital bills building up, our apartment rent being overdue. With our electricity being threatened to be cut-off on Valentine’s Day, and with only a few pesos in my pocket for a couple of day’s expenses… could it be worst? Honestly, I thought I couldn’t be anywhere lower than where we were before – but I was wrong! If there is anything lower than below sea level, that’s where we are right now… and still going down.

I tried begging… err, soliciting financial help from friends, family, and even strangers! Practically begging! As early as 3AM in the morning to the wee hours of the night. Through internet, emails, private messages, text messages, and even knocking at doors in the real world. Unfortunately, perhaps I gave the impression that I am a con man… a scammer, out to rip money from people, rather than a beggar who needs help. I do receive rejections that’s fine with me. Whatever reason is valid so long as it is communicated, because what’s worse than being rejected is being ignored. No yes or no, no ifs or buts, not even an acknowledgement of receipt of message – just playing coy, as if I don’t exist at all!

Most often I receive what you might call “strengtheners” – bible quotes, inspiring messages, prayers, keeping your faith, blah blah blah, and what have you. Don’t get me wrong, I know they all meant well, I appreciate them and all, but they don’t pay the hospital bill! To be honest, I won’t get this far without the people who helped me and I am very grateful! I really feel that they have helped me enough – yet I am still far from over! So where do I go next? Whom shall I still burden? And for how long shall I be a parasite?!

Last night I prayed, I asked God two things: “Make me understand why You’re doing this to us?” and “You took us here, will You please provide us the tools we need to get us through?”

In the meantime, I’m going to spend my time here in the hospital, idle… unproductive.

February 10, 2008
9:25 AM

(AUFMC Room 310)

Monday, January 28, 2008

What now?

Just after the operation last month (December), here we are again in the hospital... because the catheter that was inserted in my wife's stomach then got some problem. It has to be fixed.

Without a money in my pocket, i took her to the hospital. with all the pains and leaking from her stomach, i just didn't think how much it would cost... i knew i have to take her to the hospital. Now, with the rent on the house again being due... so is my wife's operation. and still, i haven't got enough to see me through this.

I have practically become a beggar. PARASITE if you may. begging here and there - old friends, new friends, even total strangers. my close friends aren't as close to me anymore because perhaps i have become too much of a burden. i don't know.

and my business even suffered, because i can't do anything anymore. i can't leave my wife's side who's almost always crying in pain. and the capital that i once had were flushed down the drain.

and i've been to told to have faith?

Share this post