Sunday, January 25, 2009

A different Valentine's Day for us....

Valentine's day is almost here, unfortunately this time it really won't have any romantic significance to me.

Since last year, Valentine's day has a new meaning for me.

While everybody then was busy thinking and looking for cards that would best express their feelings for their love ones, we were at the hospital where we have stayed for more than a week.

Previous Valentine's day would see me and my wife very busy in making heart-shaped chocolate lollipops, 3D chocolate roses and other valentine goodies that we can sell to earn some money for her dialysis.

But last year, instead of doing the things we usually do in preparation for valentine's day, I was at her bedside in the hospital, where I try my best to comfort her as she cried in pain every 10 minutes or so. Pain relievers administered to her then would only ease her pain for a few minutes.

Evening of February 13, she was fine. She was not feeling any pain. In fact she was very much happy... too happy, she was talking in a little girl's joyful voice.

She asked for balloons and I went out to look for them.

She happily played with them as I made some basic dog-shaped balloons. A little trick I learned from the internet.

Some friends came to visit her then and saw her happy and fine.

But dawn of February 14 was different.

We woke up hearing her crying in pain again. The pain reliever doesn't seem to work, they were even forced to give her tranquilizers which seemed not to help too.

She was shouting and asking us to take her out of the hospital. We were like that for almost an hour. Until finally, either she was tired or the medicine doing their job, she calmed down... and in a few moment she was able to sleep again.

Since her mother and sister were already there, I went out. I was posting notices on street posts and walls that I am selling the computers from my internet cafe.

I needed to raise funds to pay for the hospital bill.

After posting some signs, I went back to the hospital. I swear, I was out for less than 10 minutes only.

As I was approaching our room, I saw my mother-in-law seated outside crying, the room door was open. I think half of the hospital's doctors and nurses were inside our room trying their best to revive my wife.

I didn't know what to say... I was standing at the door, looking at all the commotions happening inside the room - oxygen, two flat-iron like mechanism, and a little screen that shows only a flat line.

Things that I only see in movies, were happening in front of me.

I was in that position when two of the doctors approached me and asked for my consent.

"We can try our best to revive her, but if ever we do, it will not really be good for her because she will still be unconscious and might only stay in the ICU because she would need life support"

In other words, they were asking me permission to let them stop what they were doing and let my wife die.

I didn't know what to say. I knew my wife was strong, she was very strong and I'm sure she was very much willing to fight

But I also knew that she was already tired.

I didn't know what to say. I love her.

I started blaming myself... maybe if I didn't go out, this would not have happened.

It was unfair! Why didn't she wait for me? Why did she have to go while I was out?

Maybe she did that on purpose... she knew I won't let her go... she knew I will not allow her to leave.

I was not answering the doctors. I was looking at my wife, looking for signs of the strong woman that I used to know... but I can't see it. I can't see signs of struggles from her...

but I knew she was strong! I knew she was!

Suddenly, I noticed the doctors stopped at what they were doing.

Wait! I did not give any answer!

The doctor said, they no longer need my answer. After some efforts and they see no signs of life, they would stop... with or without my consent.

And just like that, one by one, the doctors and nurses left the room except for a few who were left to clean up.

It's all over... after more than 4 years of struggle, finally, she rests.

It was Valentine's day.


cyndirellaz said...

sabi nga nila kung hindi man sa buhay na to baka sa susunod na lifetime na lang! happy valentines ^^ enjoy it w/ ur kids then!

Roy said...

thanks Cindy

tashabud said...

Hello Roy,
It has to be very hard for you. I can only imagine. Go ahead and celebrate Valentines Day with your children. I'm sure your wife's spirit would be happy to see you and the children happy.

Happy Valentines Day,

Roy said...

Hi Tasha


jan geronimo said...

Holding on and letting go. Such difficult choices. Even when the choice is made for us by circumstances, it's still paralyzing. But we learn to move on. A great deal of honoring their memory comes from conducting ourselves with dignity and fortitude. They don't expect anything less from us, do they. You've children with your precious wife. Now, there's your wife achieving some measure of immortality through your kids, don't you think so? And there's the matter of your prodigious memory and grateful heart. Not the same I'm sure, but shouldn't we be thankful for small mercies?

blankpixels said...

I can feel the pain while I was reading this post. But, I can see you're doing okay now. I know your wife knows how much you love her and what you'd do just to celebrate Valentine's day with her again.


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