You said everything will be fine...

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You said that once this is all over… everything will be fine. Everything will go on as we wanted them to be. No more worries, no more pains, no anxieties… just plain bliss. But then… it isn’t really exactly what we thought it would be.

Yes maybe, it’s a little more quiet here… perhaps too quiet. And there’s a little less stress. But silence doesn’t necessarily mean peace, and the absence of stress doesn’t mean there’s calmness in my heart.

Barely a month since you’ve been gone, honestly I actually thought that it will be just fine. That I’ll be able to go on, take care of the children, continue to achieve all our dreams that we never seem to realize and eventually make you proud of me. I was wrong! Aside from a poem and this lousy essay – I haven’t really accomplished anything!

I know that now, there’s nothing stopping me to fulfill all our dreams, for the children’s sake. But while there’s nothing stopping me – there’s really nothing and no one pushing me either! It’s just not the same with you gone! I’ve never been so lost and confused. You won’t be back, that’s a fact. But realizing that fact is not helping a bit. I know I have to move on, I know I have to do something, but I just can’t. I thought I can. For a couple a days I was fine, taking care of the children, trying so damn hard to fill the emptiness. It didn’t actually take long for reality to sink in – YOU’RE GONE AND NEVER TO RETURN AGAIN.

No, I’m not blaming you or anything, I understand that you really need to rest. You have done so much for us, we can’t ask for anything more. Remember when you told me that you were only being a burden to us because you really can’t do anything? Do you remember what my reply to you was? “Your being here with us… here for us… is already enough.” There is no better time to prove the truth in that statement than now. With you being gone, no matter how hard we try to accept it, is just not the same. NOTHING AND NO ONE can fill the empty space that you left us.

I MISS YOU! Maybe that’s all I really wanted to say… I thought I was prepared for this… even if we have really accepted long before that it will eventually come to this… even if I accepted the fact that this is the best for you… it’s really not just the same now that it has come to be.

Soon maybe, things will be fine. But right now, I’m sorry Mama… it is not.


Roy
March 12, 2008
7:58 PM

FINALLY... SHE RESTS

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Too long have you been carrying the burden
Too long you’ve been bearing the pain
That in the middle of the night
I hear your silent cries

All these years you’ve been strong
You never gave up for us
You filled us all with hope
All because of the love in your heart

In your weakness you were able to push us
These in spite of the pains you kept inside
I always love to see your smile
Like there’s nothing wrong inside

But strength maybe in your spirit
The body is nothing but flesh
It feels the fatigue… it feels the pain
And would definitely seek to rest

As much as I would like to hold on
Though I don’t want to let you go
I know how you have suffered much
Cause I’ve been there with you

So I bid you now finally, goodbye
To a place where pain will not be a part
So you could finally be at peace
And from all the burdens, be free

I will no longer hear you cry
For you will never be in pain
Yet I will always feel your smile
Cause your love will always remain…

Finally… you can rest my love…

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Roy
March 10, 2008
11:30 PM