Smile for Me... the story and the song

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It was an evening that I felt so low… and all alone. The fever I had then was not helping. I was thinking of a quick way out. I was tired… sick and tired, literally. There was nothing going right, and there’s nothing left either.

Evening… dark… alone… sick… a perfect condition for demotivation.

Where were those friends who said “We’re always here for you!”

If only my wife was with me then, I knew she would make me feel better… without even saying a word. She would just hold my hand, embrace me… and smile. I knew everything will be fine.

Of course, she’s no longer here with me for she already went home four years ago and I have to continue the journey by myself. I can’t let three kids down… I can’t let my wife down.

But I really wished she’s still with me. I wish I could see her smile at me again.

Not minding the fever I had, I stood up to get the guitar. Playing some chords, I nonchalantly murmured “smile for me as you look down from heaven… help me feel better… help me feel strong… tell me I can still go on.”

Those words… a guitar on hand… and a melancholic ambiance… I was able to build a pattern which became the refrain and the bridge of the song.

I was not able to finish the song that night. I can’t. It took me more than a month but eventually I was able to find out the words that best expressed my sentiments and complete the song.

I uploaded the song on YouTube on November 29, her birthday, sent it to her through my ‘letters’ and hope that it could reach her… wishing that she would like it.

Here is the song I wrote for my wife for her birthday, it’s called Smile For Me.

I really wish I was able to make her smile.

I'm sorry Lord for my faith is weak...

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Lord, I'm sorry. I thought I was strong in faith. I thought I can hold on... but I'm not. I'm failing, Lord. Honestly, I would like to hold on and that somehow like a silver lining on a dark and cloudy sky, You would shine at the precise to save me from this pit I am in.

I'm having doubts, My Lord. I am sorry. I've tried not to entertain this feeling but it seems the devil is getting the better of me and I'm losing this fight within me.

Please Lord, I need You now. Help me, My God... I'm drowning...

Do you dare question God's ways?

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Do you dare question God's ways? Can you question His decisions?

I can. In fact, I do.

No, I am not remorseful nor do I feel that it is blasphemous or sacrilegious.

I had an argument once with my wife back then. She was an Education graduate, by the way, and majored in Religious Education.

I asked her, "Do you think cursing God, being angry with Him, and questioning His ways is also a form of prayer?"

At first, she said "No" and was even terrified by the word "cursing." I mean, which faithful dare curse Our Creator, The Almighty Father?

But when I stated my argument, she somewhat agreed… although not completely.

I told her, you can only be mad because you did not get what you were expecting to receive. And you can only expect if you believe. Hence, disappointments are not really caused by doubts but by beliefs… beliefs that were not met.

Also, they say prayer is communicating with God. When you ask Him… question His ways and judgment, you are actually communicating with Him, right? So, how can that not be considered a prayer? And how can you communicate with someone you do not even believe in, in the first place?

That is why I think that when I ask Him about how He throw things at me, and why at times I dare tell Him that He wasn't even listening to me, I know for a fact that I am COMMUNICATING with Him.

It is like a son talking to his father - where both have an open line of communication with each other.

Of course, I never really cursed Him, although I sometimes use absolutes like Never, Always, and I'm sick and tired… only to realize later that His ways are not my ways and His plans are indeed beyond my comprehensions.

I am not stubborn. I would accept His decisions, but I know I can always tell Him how I feel about things. It is something personal.

Thus, I was able to convince Nem, albeit with reservations, that when I question God's ways I am in fact praying to Him.

And yes, I do praise and thank Him too. I do not always complain.